The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I freaking love the holidays. I can't help it. I'm not a particularly huge fan of winter, but Thanksgiving and Christmas pretty much make up for the bitter, bitter cold that comes with them.

Thanksgiving is the first in the holiday season, and I feel like it is a great way to ease yourself into this time of pure goodwill and happiness. Thanksgiving is mostly badass because of the food, as everyone knows. The turkey is classic, of course, but why not spice it up with a Turducken or a Tofurky this year? (I have personally been on a campaign to get my family to try a traditional holiday Tofurky since high school, to no avail.) My favorite side by far has got to be the sweet potatoes, and for dessert you can't go wrong with a pumpkin pie. Mmm.

But other good things come along with all that delicious food. This is a time when people come together--even if you're not around your family, there is always a group of friends or another family more than willing to take you in. The food coma that sets in post-turkey produces a group of people who have nothing better to do than hang out, watch movies, talk, or toss a football around. I ask you, in what other time of year does this phenomenon occur?

Thanksgiving used to mark the start of the Christmas/holiday rush, but no longer. Now, people can't wait until the end of November to put on The Best of Bing Crosby: Christmas Collection or my personal favorite, Merry Christmas. (Classic!) Not that I'm complaining--I could sing along to "All I Want For Christmas Is You" 12 months out of the year. It just sets a certain mood: peace, goodwill, cheer...ah, I love it.

The excitement over Christmas is something that hasn't really gone away for me. Granted, I don't wake up at 5am anymore, but the anticipation over seeing what goodies you might have gotten and the looks on your friends' and family members' faces when they open a particularly apt present is just great. So this year, I am trying something new for my Christmas countdown: the advent calendar. I found one that a) has penguins b) makes no mention of Jesus whatsoever c) is a pop-up! and I just had to have it. How fun is that??

Christmas is also worth the countdown because of the family time (pretty much the only time I see my brother) and I also usually end up hanging out with some pretty sweet high school friends that have dispersed to other places and are doing all kinds of different things. Seriously, it's great. I don't even really know why this is a debatable issue, really. Over to you, Scrooge McSleaze...

Chaste is Chic

I would like to state for the record that I cannot believe I am writing this. And neither will many of you, especially those of you who went through the ultra-liberal, super comprehensive, and also completely hilarious sex ed program Our Whole Lives at the UU church with me.

But here goes: overt sexuality is out. In high school and even college, there was a certain shock factor involved to talk about how much you had sex and in what ways, especially for women. Being overtly sexual, by the way you dress or what you say, is also a tried-and-true tactic to attract attention from men. Sure, it works, but usually on a certain kind of man...ladies, you know what I mean.

What is way more fun is to keep your private life private. I realize that everyone is sharing everything about themselves on the internet these days and I kind of come off as a backwards-thinking southern girl, but you're erasing all the mystery and intrigue when you lay every dirty detail about everything you've done with complete strangers! Cover up that cleavage. Get your vibrator delivered to your door instead of strutting into sex shops (which are creepy, anyway...I have yet to see an advantage over the internet).

I'm not saying be ashamed of your sexuality. Go ahead and watch your porn, use your toys, and above all be GGG. But as a wise man once said, be a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets.

Stay classy, D.C.

Good Vibrations

Well, the jig is up. It's time to buy a vibrator. First, I would just like to say that I'm very disappointed in my friends for not buying me one for my birthday when I turned 18, but whatever. Unfortunately, despite all my efforts to the contrary, I'm not getting any younger and since I've become comfortable with the fact that I'm going to be alone forever, I might as well explore this new territory. I recently asked Jasmine if she'd like to escort me to a "adult" shop and she promptly explained that these sort of things need to be done online. But to be honest, I'm done with being coy and repressed. If you've already made the decision to buy a vibrator, I think it's time to cast embarassment out the window and face our fears and go to an actual "adult" shop. I just think that this country has spent enough time being repressed and that there's nothing wrong with being overtly confident about one's sexuality. Buying a vibrator online basically means that you're willing to spend the extra cash on shipping in order to avoid feeling embarassed that you are a sexual person. I'm not sure why women think they need to keep this shit under wrap. I just think that repression is a very outdated concept. If anything, having a vibrator can make a woman more in tune with her body. I'm tired of vibrators being associated with desperation--I think it's a sign of maturity.

Boy Dictionary Redux

While studying for my bagillion exams tomorrow, I've come up with some additional entries for our collective Boy Dictionary (to be copyrighted). I practically have a Ph.D in Masculinity...



"I can't live without you." = except I can.


"I didn't have any internet access/I had no service out there" = People who say they don't have internet access are obviously lying. everybody refreshes their browser every 10 seconds. nice try.


"I work in finance." = I have an inferiority complex, wear Express for Men button down shirts, watch Monday night football, and listen to Dave Matthews.


"We should hang out sometime." = See you never.


"I don't want to talk about it." = Bad news.


"8pm" = Add 15 minutes


"I can't make any promises...." = shocking

"Aliza, I think you're overanalyzing this." = you figured me out

"Aliza, are you always this dramatic?" = yes.

Boy Dictionary

All right, it's time for another boy-centric installment of Almost Friends. This time, Aliza and I are tackling a boy dictionary. In our many years of experience in dealing with the male of the species, we've encountered quite a few phrases (and outright lies) that really mean something other than what they're saying. A lot of guys will try to convince you that they are simple, always say what they mean, etc, etc. This is simply not true, as they manage to leave us completely befuddled on a regular basis. Without further ado, here's my list of common boy phrases and their translations.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

We should totally hang out: Either means we will never hang out or can be delivered as a crushing "you're just a friend" blow at the end of a bar conversation or date. Beware of the phrase "hang out."

I love Grey's Anatomy/Project Runway: I will tolerate that chick show to get in your pants.

I've never put myself out there like this: I want to get in your pants.

I like to take it slow: I want to get in your pants.

Nice shirt: I want to get in your pants. (You get the idea.)

BOYFRIEND PHRASES

She's just a friend: Usually a lie, but not always. Just usually.

I need some time to think about it: I know what my answer is, but you don't want to hear it so I am going to put it off for as long as possible. Synonym: I don't want to talk about it.

I don't know, Jasmine, I don't know: Shut up, you're talking about this too much and I don't want to anymore.

We're going to talk: I'm going to watch basketball.

I want a night in: I'm going out with the guys.

**Thanks to all my fabulous friends who shared input and brainstorming for the dictionary! If you have alternative translations or other boy phrases, please leave them in the comments. xoxo

Adnan Ghalib Is the Lamest. Person. Alive. (End of Story.)

Hello, blogosphere. How you durrin? (that’s right, I managed to make a Shirley Q reference two words in to my very first blog post, ever.)

So, in an attempt to read your mind, you are totally befuddled. I know that you are all, "What? This is Jasmine and Aliza's blog - who is this new Katie person?" Well, I'll have you know that when I was debating with Jasmine at the bar over who is the lamest person ever, "this Katie person" had the best argument, ever, for who the lamest person alive is, (celebrity wise, I know a few douchey lay-people who would rank as well.) and so I had to post. HAD TO. As in, I might explode if I had to keep this inside for any longer. So Jasmine did some interweb magics and made me an admin. I have opinions. Get ready.

With no further ado…

ADNAN GHALIB is the lamest person ever to exist on the face of the planet.

In a second attempt to read your mind, you might be saying "Who? Who is this Adnan person? And what is this name? Is it Aiden, or Adam, or what is the deal here?" and therein, my dear reader, you make my first point for me. + 1 on the lame scale. WHO IS ADNAN? And what is up with his crazy name? That’s exactly my point - we don't even know who he is. We know who Ashlee is. We even know who Marc is. But Adnan? Who is this dude?

He's Britney Spears' on-again-off-again paparazzi boyfriend.

"OH YEAHHHH you say... I heard about him." Mmhm, yes you did. You read/heard about his lame little attempt to weasel his weasly way into Brit-Brit's life when he was the paparazzi who fell into her sordid life during late 2007. I'll be lazy and let TV Crunch describe:

"Adnan Ghalib, 35, works for the agency FinalPixx, but seemed to find a place in Britney Spears’ heart – and bed? Well, Adnan Ghalib and Britney Spears have been seen checking into hotels anyway: Britney Spears invited Adnan Ghalib to her Beverly Hills hotel room on December 22nd. Six days later, Adnan Ghalib was seen in Britney Spears’s car, driving the pop princess to a West Hollywood home. Adnan Ghalib was seen going into a Palm Springs hotel with Britney Spears on January 2nd at 2 AM. The pair checked out at 7 AM. Adnan Ghalib was not with Britney Spears when she had her meltdown — and he didn’t visit her during her hospital stay either. Adnan Ghalib and Britney Spears were seen the day after her release, having breakfast together.”

Now, after that, Papa Brit-Brit forbade Adnan from having any contact whatsoever with Brit during MAJOR LIFE MELTDOWN 2007/8 when she had to go to the hospital. Like, twenty times. Who gets banned by Papa Spears? Not that lame-o who preggers Jamie Lynn. Not K-Fed. You have to be extra whack for Papa Spears to hate up on you. Lame points = 2. Oh man, glorious.

So okay – now you remember who he is, right? So what else makes him lame? Well, let’s start with being a paparazzi. That’s lame. You chase people around all day and have to lug a long lens. It means you didn’t even bother to attempt to get your GED. It means you like to skulk and sit in cars. We’re already ranking him a 3 on the lame scale.

Let’s move on to wanting to date Britney Spears. This is lame-o no matter how you look at it. It could be perceived as either a way to move into the media sight-line (which, you could definitely argue as the reason he wanted to date Brit, seeing as he did lots of interviews on ET during said drug-induced meltdown, and even went on Kathy Griffin when asked, which is only a +.00001 redeeming point.) (Sigh, I love Kathy.) (I also love parenthesis.) Lame total: 4.9999

Or, GASP, he could, GASP, ACTUALLY WANT TO DATE HER. Now that is supa-lame. Have you seen the woman? Does she have any actual real hair on her head? She’s also gained and lost weight at the speed of Star Jones. Or Anna Nicole Smith on Trimspa, baby. But seriously? BRITNEY SPEARS? YOU WANT TO DATE HER? You actually want to associate yourself with two poor kids and K-Fed? K-Fed? There is actually someone alive who wants K-Fed’s leftovers? So lame. We’ve hit 5.9999

And then there is his outward appearance. (See right.) Marc Anthony may be fugly and Ashlee darling may have a new nose… but at least they don’t grow a landing strip down their chin. That’s right, a landing strip. Planes from miles away are seeing that, and thinking it’s a runway. Pilots right now are rerouting their American Airlines flights to land on Adnan’s face. Gah - 6.9999

And finally, for my grand finale, (and because this post is getting long, because Adnan is so lame) I give you this: Adnan tried to sell a sex tape of him and Brit. +7.9999. There is an actual headline stating that Adnan got attacked by a knife-weilding maniac : +8.9999 (cause really, who gets attacked these days? Loser.) As on Sept. 2nd, 2008, He and Brit-Brit ARE BACK TOGETHER. +9.9999

That, folks, is the lamest person ever.

Signing off, with love.

L-A, L-A, L-A-M-E

Oh, Ashlee Simpson. You can't really help that you're the lamest person alive, can you? You come from a family of uberlame, spotlight-hogging Simpsons. And yet, the fact remains: no one is lamer than you.

I think we all got our first taste of Ashlee-brand lameade when she had that short-lived reality show on MTV. I have no idea what that show was about, but that's when we knew for sure that our little Ashlee had a taste for skinny dudes with too much product in their hair. I think that's also when she got that nose job, so she could "sing" better. Whatever, the tabloids went wild and that's all that matters.

She's put out a couple of albums, none of which really went anywhere. Her lyrics are complete crap and the music is just contrived generic pop a la Paris Hilton or Brooke Hogan. But due to those albums, she had the rare opportunity to fuck up NOT JUST a performance on SNL, but the SUPERBOWL HALFTIME SHOW. Wow. Not many people can say that.

Then, she made the awesome decision to marry "rocker" Pete Wentz and get knocked up before she hit 24. Brilliant idea--that'll definitely last forever. She now spends most of her time wearing ridiculous clothes and dying her hair different colors, both pursuits I support. Hey, at least she's not making more music.

Lamest Person Alive

I'm sorry but Marc Anthony is the world's lamest person. This occurred to me when I was streaming in 106.7 LiteFM into my cubicle and the song "My Baby You" came onto the airwaves. Um, I don't know if any of you have heard the lyrics to this song but apparently he cut and pasted lines from several Hallmark cards and added a stalker-like melody (i.e. "as i look into your eyes i see all the reasons why my life's worth a thousand skies...") Um-"my life's worth a thousand skies"?--I have two questions about this: 1) is this a joke? and 2) are you kidding me?.

The chorus to this blockbuster hit reads, "my baby you are the reason i could fly and 'cause of you i don't have to wonder why...". Um-am I alone in thinking that these lines don't make any sense? Could these words be any more vague? He needs to calm down here. For the record, this song makes me want to punch somebody out.

I'm not going to go in depth about his spanish music career because obviously his American music is all that counts. But anyway, I'd like to add that his two other American "hits" (depending on who you ask) called "I need to know"and "You sang to me" are both some of the biggest pieces of sh*t that I've ever heard. I've taken it upon myself to read the lyrics to these songs and I assure you that they make no sense, mean nothing, and are definitively lame.

It doesn't help that Marc Anthony's voice sounds like he's singing underwater while simultaneously sitting on a moving rollercoaster. Also, I don't know if you've seen pictures of him, but, for the record, he looks like he hasn't slept in 53 years and hasn't eaten in 12. He also needs to fire his stylist because whoever thought the greasy bohemian guido look was in was seriously mistaken. He's always wearing flowy Italian hair-dresser shirts (unbuttoned), hemp necklaces, chunky rings, and West Side Story hairstyles. Um--is this a joke.

In general, Marc Anthony needs to calm down about his music--it's not great. In my expert opinion, I think he should immediately fire his managers and his wardrobe specialist and start over.

Just a Perfect Day...

My perfect day would consist of me waking up around 9 am and leisurely making my way to the kitchen for some coffee or tea and oatmeal. I would then spend the next hour or so sitting at my kitchen counter reading the New York Times, The New York Times Magazine, In Style, and Us Weekly, while simultaneously listening to This American Life and Savage Love on itunes.

I would then spend most of the day hiking and biking in up-state NY, stopping for a picnic lunch, featuring peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, trail mix, homemade mint iced-tea, rice pudding, oranges, hummos, and carrots. En route, my hiking/biking partner and I would share travel stories and make each other laugh.

After a day of outdoorsy activities, I would go to the local farmer's market and pick out and taste a variety of delicious vegetables and fruits that I will later cook for an elaborate dinner party that I will host at my apartment. I will spend the next 2-4 hours preparing for the dinner party, that will showcase an array of dips, salads, lentils, stir fry, tofu, and olive bread. While I cook, I will be intermittently sipping wine, eating olives, and listening to the Amadeus soundtrack.

When my friends arrive, we all sit around tasting the food, drinking wine, reminiscing, and telling hilarious stories. After dinner, we would all play an enormous game of Taboo.

After the dinner party, I will wash dishes while watching my Golden Girls DVDs. As I get ready for bed, I reflect on the day's events and feel satisfied with myself. There's nothing better than feeling pleasantly exhausted, knowing things were accomplished throughout the day.

The Perfect Day=Lazy Day

If you could do anything, what would you do? Fantasizing about vacation and/or what my life would be like if I didn't have to work is always fun, even if it is an exercise in frustration being that I have approximately $40 in the bank.

My perfect day would be waking up at around 10:30am, spending three or four hours on the beach, drinking margaritas and mai tais, reading a book on a hammock, and finishing the day by going out with friends. All the food that day would be amazing and I basically wouldn't have to lift a finger.

Oh man, it's relaxing to even think about. I know this fantasy is pretty common, but the glory in this is what a complete change it is from the normal routine. I spend all day being accountable to lots of people, not to mention being responsible enough to pay bills on time and do annoying chores like laundry, dishes, and taking out the trash. That crap is exhausting!

Now, I don't know if this reflects badly on me, like I'm a lazy person at heart or something, nor do I really care. I completely identify with Peter in Office Space: if I didn't have to work, I would do nothing.

Mosquitoes Ruin Everything

OK I have got to say, I have the battle for "___ ruins everything" in the bag. The correct answer is: mosquitoes ruin everything. You know it's true. Try to think of a time when mosquitoes were around and weren't ruining everything.

Mosquitoes have plagued me basically since I was born. I've lived in humid climates my whole life, so I really don't know what it feels like to not be constantly annoyed by these pests. To top it all off, I seem to be more attractive to them than normal. I can be out on the deck with my whole family for 15 minutes and I will get nine times the bites they will. I also get mysterious mosquito bites in the night--especially awesome is when they get my face. Like zits aren't enough. So here's the breakdown of all the ways mosquitoes suck:

1) They spread malaria, west nile, and who the f knows what else. Gross.
2) If you smack one, there's a good chance you'll get blood on you. Whether it's your own or your neighborhood crack dealer's, messing with blood is never a good idea.
3) They make otherwise pleasant outdoor activities a nightmare. Who wants to be swatting and slapping yourself the whole time you're trying to play raquetball? Best case scenario, you remembered the bugspray and now are a sticky, stinky mess. Don't forget to reapply!
4) The bites are terribly unattractive and itchy.
5) Any standing water turns into breeding grounds--so much for that pool idea.

Splenda Ruins Everything

When asked to choose one thing that ruins everything, the answer was very simple: Splenda. Splenda became mysteriously popular sometime during my sophomore year at college. All of a sudden, all my sodas and yogurts were marked with "Now with Splenda!" All of a sudden, everybody went apeshit for this sugar substitute, claimed that it was better for you than regular sugar, and ran out to the supermarket to buy everything that contained this product. I'm not entirely sure how the media somehow convinced an ENTIRE country that Splenda was "better" for you than original, pure sugar and that ingesting it in droves will make you thinner. Um. How could a "sugar substitute," which is obviously made out of chemicals, be better than the natural source? Um. Regular sugar isn't bad for you unless you are eating sticks of it every 2 seconds. I can understand if you have diabeetus and can't have delicious sugar, but I'm not so sure that Splenda is the best option here (not that I can suggest another one since I'm not a scientist).

Also, I don't know if any of you have tasted this shit, but it tastes approximately like rotting candy. It makes food take sickly sweet to the point where you feel "hungover" from, let's say, a cup of yogurt. All I know is, people have been eating sugar for a very long time and all I'm saying is that a fabricated version of this can only be absolutely 100% repulsive and unnatural.

Women seeking Men

"Me"

If I'm not bald, I don't expect my boyfriend to be bald either. If I have all my teeth, I expect my boyfriend to have all his teeth. Etc.

My toleration levels for certain unacceptable behavior in the opposite sex is approximately 0%. The profile Jasmine has described below is that of a troll. I think the key here is that one must realize that one is not a troll and that one shouldn't expect her date to be a troll either. I think all women, at some point, need to self-evaluate themselves ("allow myself to introduce...myself") and figure out what she brings to the table and what qualities in her are highly sought after and then raise their standards in the opposite sex accordingly. In the past, I've selected potential mates based on the fact that they liked ME, but nowadays, perhaps due to being chronically disappointed by all these losers, I've realized that I should be into THEM and shouldn't have to impress anybody. First of all, it goes without saying, that all men are disgusting and hideous and the fact that we pay them any attention is really a miracle from Yaweh. In order to find the least repulsive man out there, one MUST have some standards besides if he has all his teeth. If a guy is missing his teeth, that's big problem and its unacceptable.

I've drafted a brief list of what I'm looking for:

1. Brown Eyes/Hair Combo Platter

2. Glasses

3. 5"7-5"8 ft tall

4. Listens to NPR

5. Can appreciate my love for Christian iconography

6. Compliments my xxxtreme beauty on a daily basis

7. Likes documentaries

8. Able to calculate tip

9. No sports jerseys allowed

10. No video games allowed

11. Must Love Dogs

12. Must brag about me to his friends

13. Must be able to fix computer and all electronics

14. Tolerates my cooking

15. No man-jewelry of any kind (this includes earrings, chains, and hemp necklaces)

16. No barb wire and/or tribal tattoos of any kind

17. I make the jokes and he makes inferior jokes

18. Smells good at all times

19. Sends flowers to my office

20. Likes spicy foods

21. Likes to play Clue

22. No muscle tone whatsoever

If you fit the criteria in this profile, call me.

The List

My lovely co-blogger and almost friend Aliza and I were recently discussing a topic that I think everyone can relate to: The List. For those of you not familiar (or who claim ignorance), The List is a list of qualities that you require in a partner. For some, especially middle school girls, this lists exists on paper and decorated with 5,987 hearts and an abundance of glitter. For others, it's a constantly changing mental tally. Whatever form The List takes, everyone has one.

My question is, what good is having The List? To me, The List just represents ridiculous ideals and standards no real human can live up to. It's intimidating as hell to wonder how many qualities you have that the other person is looking for. How far do I fall short? What things are on The List that s/he just isn't telling me about? That last question is particularly relevant, as I have a sneaking suspicion that a good number of things on The List are easily checked off, if only your partner knew you liked that kind of crap. Prime example: #282: Bring me flowers randomly. Is this an intrinsic quality that people are born with? No. This is something that can be learned, albeit with perhaps years of training.

All that being said, I advocate for a move toward a more moderate and attainable List. If you keep your standards low, you'll be so much more pleasantly surprised when someone goes above and beyond!

1. Speak passable English, or at least a language I undersand.
2. Be literate, and have read at least 10 books above a sixth-grade reading level in your lifetime.
3. Have at least 60% of your hair.
4. Be nice.
5. Demonstrate an interest in some genre of music besides Country.
6. Bathe and brush teeth on a regular basis.
7. No piercings anywhere but ears.
8. No drug addictions.
9. No personal or family history of abuse, mental illness, or repeated felonies.
10. Absolutely no rednecks.

Now, my list might seem to exclude an unnecessarily large portion of the male population, but I stand behind my choices. No exceptions, especially on #10. I've had great success with this list, and I think many of you out there could benefit from my wisdom. With a list like mine, you too could go on literally over ten dates a year!

Coffee Rules, Tea Drools

10:00 am is a weak moment in the day for me, too--can I make it to lunch without passing out on my keyboard either from exhaustion or hunger? Fortunately, the decision is a simple one: to coffee or not to coffee. Because tea is for wimps.

I don't know if you know this, but tea comes in both caffeinated (pain) and non-caffeinated (no pain, and also no gain) varieties. Both unequivocally suck. Tea is nothing but gross-flavored water. Granted, the same could be said about coffee, but things can be added to make it delicious. My favorite things to add include chocolate, milk, caramel and any number of syrupy flavors to make it taste like ice cream. There is nothing you can add to tea to make it taste good. Sure, people put sugar, honey, and even milk in it, but their efforts are in vain.

Particularly annoying are those who drink a concoction called "sweetea," and yes it is all one word. I have on-the-job experience making sweetea, and I can tell you that it really doesn't matter how much sugar you put in tea (and oh, they test the limits), it's possibly one of the foulest things one could put in one's mouth, and yet people are passionate about this drink. I don't get it. It seems to me like a one-way ticket to diabetes land.

Tea also has this strange reputation for being calming--the specific image that comes to mind is that of an old lady with a lap blanket and a cat, drinking tea by the fireplace. Hipsters also drink tea when they want to seem zen, and cooler than you, which is redundant because it is the definition of the word "hipster."

Coffee, on the other hand, is the opposite of calming. Go-getters drink coffee. People who get stuff done drink coffee, and often are getting things done at the same time as getting coffee. Need to stay up late and finish a project? Drink coffee. Will your work be as good as if you had managed your time properly and worked on it when you weren't delirious from lack of sleep and hyperactive from too much coffee? Hell no. But is that coffee's fault? Nope.

There is a reason for coffee's ubiquity: it's awesome. Coffee is the drink of champions, and tea is the drink of old ladies who need to get to bed by 8pm.

"Two for Tea and Tea for Two"

"Boston Tea Party"

Almost everyday, approximately around 10 am, I go through the same dilemma: whether I want to drink a cup of coffee or drink a cup of tea. There are many factors that go into this seemingly simple decision. The first question I always ask myself is: am I in the mood to have a horrible stomachache and then eventually have diarrhea? The second question I always ask myself is: how late do I plan to stay up tonight? The third question is: do I want to have an amazing headache in approximately 4 hours from now? And lastly: can I afford to stunt my growth any further?

If I've answered yes to any of those questions, I proceed directly to the nearest Starbucks, spend $15 on a get a cup of coffee, and then later regret it. If I want to avoid being in pain all day, I opt for a cup of tea.

I became a regular tea drinker after my first semester in college when I realized that the jig is up and I cannot rely on sleeping anymore. Incidentally, at the same time, I also realized that my metabolism was slowing at an alarming rate and that this needed to stop. So my friend recommended that I drink "Green Tea" because apparently Green tea contains remnants of the fountain of youth while also providing "antioxidants" (whatever THAT means) and also contains caffeine. Green tea may look and taste just like pond water, but I'm telling you that this shit is KEY.

Tea may taste like nothing but water and flowers, but, compared to coffee, the side effects are less insane. Tea is relaxing, soothing, and therapeutic. It provides anti-oxidants (whatever THAT means) and can relieve sore throats and congestion. Nothing is more relaxing than sipping a cup of hot tea on a cold day. Also, tea is less of a commitment, both financial and physical, than coffee is because people become insanely addicted to coffee. I don't know about you but after I drink a cup of coffee, I need to immediately guzzle 14 quarts of water to cancel out the dehydrating effects of coffee.

Listen, I'm aware that there are times, specifically when either a) you need to stay up all night against your will and go out with friends or b) you're working on very little sleep and/or are hungover and that, in these extreme cases, a cup of coffee is XXXtremely and absolutely necessary. But seriously, people need to calm down with their coffee intake before we all develop coffee-bean sized ulcers. I'm tired of seeing those keychains that say "Don't bother me until I've had my coffee!" or "I'm a bitch until i have a cup of coffee!" Calm down.

Brad is the Pitts

"No Thanks"

I'm sorry, but I've never been attracted to Brad Pitt so everybody needs to calm down. I find that there's nothing really unique about his blonde hair, blue eyes, chiseled face appearance. Frankly, I'm tired of people saying "he's so hot" or when People Magazine rank him in the Top 10 Hottest Men. How is it ok for him to be allowed to have frosted tips for 10 years and it be considered taboo for the average man? How quickly we forget when he sported the "rugged" mullet with hemp necklaces back in the early 2000s. And what about "Meet Joe Black" when he could've really used a tan, a better script, and looked like a woman. Secondly, besides FightClub, which apparently everybody MUST love or else, what really has he been in? Personally, I fell asleep watching FightClub and never understood the plot, nor could I understand why men would want to meet in a basement and beat the shit out of each other without a mouth guard or a helmet. Thirdly, I'm also tired of "Brangelina" and their 43587 adopted children. It's getting annoying.

Can somebody please explain why girls are obsessed with guys with blonde hair and blue eyes? To me, its very boring and unappealing. But for some reason, no matter what, girls will go apeshit for this genetic combo. I'll take Rivers Cuomo and Adam Duritz over that shit any day.

Brad Pitt, Celebrity Extraordinaire

Like many of you, I was not surprised to see that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are gracing the cover of the latest issue of InTouch Weekly. It got me thinking, though--how and why is Brad Pitt still a celebrity?

Answer: he's got a fascinating, messed-up life. (Don't they all?) Here's what he's got going for him:
1. He's with Angelina Jolie
-They're not married
-She's a celebrity, too, with her own effed up story that includes Billy Bob Thornton and making out with brothers
-They have 3,744 kids
2. He's pretty hot
3. He was with Jennifer Anniston
4. I've heard he's in movies
5. He recently claimed that acting was his career, but architecture was his passion, which is hilarious

So, in conclusion, Brad Pitt has it made in the shade. He doesn't have to do anything and people will buy a magazine with his face on it. He lets himself go, and paparazzi swarm. He buys baby clothes, and the world goes nuts. Brilliant!

ULTIMATE SUMMER MIX

While your summer mix may appear to be the bomb diggity, it's a fact that mine is the Ultimate Summer Mix. It says so right on the CD. Because I wrote it on there.

I think the best summer mixes aren't timeless at all, but littered with one hit wonders that date it immediately. Much like summer loves, you should have fond memories of the fun you had for those few months, but it doesn't really translate past August (in this case, 2008). I did include some songs that have excellent connotations from other times for me, but those count as happy songs that are perfect for singing along in the car.

1. Steal My Sunshine- Len
2. Shake It- Metro Station
3. Superstar (ft. Matthew Santos)- Lupe Fiasco
4. Piece of Me- Britney Spears
5. Tune Out- The Format
6. Free at Last- G Love
7. Leavin'- Jesse McCartney
8. Ooh La La- Goldfrapp
9. C'Mon Baby- Wakefield
10. Walk Away- Kelly Clarkson
11. Smile- Lilly Allen
12. My Love- Justin Timberlake
13. Work That- Mary J. Blige
14. Pocketful of Sunshine- Natasha Bedingfield
15. Bicycle Race- Queen
16. Steve McQueen- Sheryl Crow
17. 4 Minutes (ft. Justin Timberlake)- Madonna
18. Bleeding Love (KlubKidz Radio Edit)- Leona Lewis
19. Valerie (techno remix)- Steve Winwood
20. Birthday Girl (ft. Patrick Stump)- The Roots

Conclusion: perfect for blasting from the car, jumping around with friends, and kickin' it in the baby pool in the backyard. Holler! Happy summer 2008.

Now That's What I Call Music-Vol. 13495262834

Jasmine challenged me to come up with the Ultimate Mix for Summer and let's just say I did not take to this assignment lightly. Each and every song on this mix was hand-selected, arranged, and prescreened based on the following criteria: a) timelessness b) pump-up factor c) awesome level

With no further ado, please feast your eyes on this masterpiece:

1. Got to Get You Into My Life- The Beatles
2. Need You Tonight-INXS
3. Here Comes the Hotstepper-Ini Kamoze
4. The Seed 2.0-The Roots
5. Girl-Beck
6. Lay Low- Snoop Dogg
7. Canned Heat-Jamiroquai
8. Beware the Boy-Punjabi MC (Feat. Jay Z)
9. I Can't Wait- Nu Shooz
10. Don't Stand So Close to Me-The Police
11. Jump-Madonna
12. Sunglasses at Night-Corey Hart
13. Amazing-Seal
14. Blister in the Sun-Violent Femmes
15. Sussudio-Phil Collins
16. Stacy's Mom-Fountains of Wayne
17. Into Something Good-Herman's Hermits
18. City of Blinding Light-U2
19. Bittersweet Symphony-The Verve
20. The Final Countdown-Europe

*Copies of this album will be available upon request

Sex and the City and Comm 101

I was embarassed to be seen at a 12:01 am showing premiere of Sex and the City for 3 reasons. 1) the line for the theater stretched 2 city blocks

2) the women in line purposely dressed in their fanciest Forever21 dresses and "designer" Steve Madden heels

3) My "date" for the evening asked me if I wanted popcorn(that is disgusting).

But that's besides the point. Fifteen minutes into the movie, I realized that I was basically watching one big advertisement. I became distracted by the label-dropping and extremely obvious product placement campaigns. There were approximately 40 unnecessary makeover montages throughout the movie, involving not-so-discreet mentionings of 5th avenue designers. It became extremely obvious that this movie was 100% about advertising during the Vogue/wedding dress photo shoot. "Vera Wang," "Vivienne Westwood," "Dior," were just some of the very well articulated names dropped during this ridiculously gratuitious scene.

Then I couldn't stop seeing all the ads in every scene. How about that scene in her new "big" closet and the single pair of electric blue Manolo Blahniks that conveniently stood out amidst the transparently lit shoe rack, whose shoe box was aptly displayed to the camera. Manolo's stock just went up by 100%.

And let's not forget the entire subplot about "Louise" from St. Louis who loved Louis Vuitton. Um. First of all, that entire subplot could've be edited out completely. Secondly, "Louise" from St. "Louis" who loved "LOUIS" Vuitton---c'mon people, this is marketing GENIUS at work here. And how many times did Carrie say the line "Louise from St. Louis"? About a bagillion times. This shit is ridiculous.

There were countless scenes in which Charlotte toted approximately 10 shopping bags up and down her arms with the labels completely in focus--"Chanel" "Bloomingdales." There was also a scene where Carrie and Miranda were eating Pret a Manger sandwiches--the wrappers were entirely exposed. Not to mention that Carrie's laptop is clearly an Apple. Samantha's iPhone that Carrie didn't know how to operate. What about the obvious cup of Cup of Noodles. Basically, the list goes on and on. One doesn't need to take Comm 101 in college to know that this movie was 100% made of advertisements---it was its own character in this movie.

Sex and the City: Better Than I Thought it Would Be

OK, OK, so I was one of the hordes of women who went to see the Sex and the City movie the day it opened. I'm a sort of if-it's-there fan of the show: I haven't seen every episode, but I did live with a girl who had a bunch of the DVDs, and I know the basic plot line. While I don't think the show is the paragon of great TV (I'm more of an Office fan myself), it is enjoyable in a very, very girly way. As in, lots of great shoes.

The movie didn't disappoint on the shoe point, but it also had lots of something I wasn't expecting: angst. (Yes, yes, insert obligatory spoiler warning here) I was expecting complete and utter fluff, but Carrie gets hurt--bad. The deep, utterly humiliated, sleep for 3 days in a darkened room kind of hurt. It was amazing: I completely felt it along with her. I think it's safe to say that I'm not alone among the key demographics for this show/movie, because your 20s and 30s seem to be prime time for those catastrophic breakups.

Shining star and best supporting role in this part of the movie: Charlotte. Not a huge Charlotte fan in general, but the look on her face when she screams "NO!" in the street was priceless. Side note: if people still said, "You go, girl!" this would have been a prime time to say it. She also gets completely wrapped up in Carrie's getting hurt and imagines what she'd say to Big if she saw him on the street, which is something the girl who's hurt does always, but her friends do rarely.

Miranda also gets cheated on, which sucks, but she's such a coldhearted (and now frigid, apparently) bitch that everyone takes Steve's side instead of hers. There is a great scene that results from this, though: she's home on New Year's, eating Chinese food by herself, when Carrie comes over and says, "You're not alone." Tear!

Anyway, bottom line is that I was very pleasantly surprised by this movie. Yes, there are 3.5 million things to point out that were all wrong about it (the girls at Slate do an excellent job), but overall it passed my test for an enjoyable Friday night.

O Solo Mia

I take offense to your post, my friend! Your basic assumption that the only thing to do when single is going to bars and getting wasted in search of the next boyfriend is completely off base. Trust me, I too am completely grossed out by guys in bars and they are probably equally grossed out by the girls that frequent their favorite places. Yes, I know that there are some truly heartwarming stories about so and so's parents meeting in a bar and being married for 5,000 years. Touching. But the reality of the situation is, most people (both single and not) go to bars to get laid. One quick word in defense of bars: it is possible to go out and not participate in the meat market! I definitely have a lot more fun with a group of friends and when I'm unconcerned about getting attention from the man-whores that surround me.

Which brings me to my next point: the whole glory of being single is about being unconcerned about what anyone else thinks! As soon as you let the search for the next boyfriend go, things get a lot more relaxed. You start doing things just because they make you happy, not because someone else might think they're cool. You get in touch with what you really want. All of which not only makes you a better person, but a more attractive girlfriend in the future. So what if the pickings are slim right now? If you make having a boyfriend a lower priority, then it doesn't really matter--your life is full and happy without one.

What about all the crappy parts of being tied down? The monotony of boning the same person over and over, hearing their same jokes/stories for the 50th time (at least when you're telling different people, it's always new!), the inevitable rut you get into after a little while...boring! And what's not boring is annoying: putting the toilet seat down, those pointless & irritating fights about the right way to do ___, having to compromise or agree about what to do and where to go, etc etc ad nauseum. I say, enjoy your freedom from this crap--if marriage is your end goal, you have your whole freakin' life to put up with BS from men. At this point, be selfish! Being single=doing whatever you want. Which is awesome.

Engaged and Underage

I hate being single. Granted, it's only been 3 or 4 months since my most recent breakup, but still: there's nothing good about being single. All my friends tell me to "enjoy being single," but I'm telling you that there is no such thing. Nobody actually enjoys being single. If single people LIKED being single, they wouldn't be constantly and actively on the prowl for their next boyfriend/girlfriend. Single people go out to bars and get drunk in the hopes of finding a potential new boyfriend or girlfriend. There is always an ulterior motive to "going out" and "drinking."

I'm telling you there's nothing more exhausting and annoying than being single. Having to constantly re-tell your best stories or best jokes, having to constantly wear the ultimate outfits, having to worry about whether or not the guy is gonna call is 100% completely exhausting. And what's more annoying is that there are no men worth approaching or dating. Frankly, I am completely grossed out by all men found at bars. They always smell bad and dress terribly and have absolutely nothing intelligent or remotely interesting to say.

Does anybody actually prefer to go out? Are people ever happy they drank 17 tequilla shots and can't remember half the conversation or how they got home? Do people pretend to love hangovers and beer shits? I don't.

I would much rather spend that time sleeping.

He's Just Not that Into You

Apparently, I'm delusional. I've recently found myself in a "he's not that into you situation" and I refuse to accept it. And the reason why I refuse to accept it is because I've made certain that this shit wouldn't happen to me since 8th grade. In 8th grade, I got myself a gym membership and I've been working out like a banshee ever since. Every day, I find new ways of increasing my awesome levels by 100%. I've taken on jobs merely for the bragging rights--I've worked for celebrities, acted in plays, interned at PBS, led museum tours. I've made sure to take on unique extra-curricular activities such as Tap Dancing and paint-by-numbers. I'm amazing at Karaoke. I'm good at crossword puzzles and editing peoples' resumes. I'm good at flipcup. I've nailed EVERY interview I've ever been on. I have the best taste in music, art, TV, and movies. I've gotten into grad schools. I've basically taken every precaution, short of plastic surgery (which isn't out of the question at this point), to make sure this shit looks good on a daily basis and to make sure that I have interesting things to say on dates. I've also stockpiled lists upon lists of jokes and h.larious topics of discussion and I've consistently brought my A-game. I'm known for being good at coming up with awesome gifts ideas for people I'm dating, including tickets to the Colbert Report, Chia Pets, pet goldfish, etc. Basically, if I were a guy, I would want to date me. Thus I was horrified to discover that a guy I was quasi-dating "was just not that into me." I'm not sure what went wrong considering that I was consistently awesome. Can somebody please explain. thanks.

All that aside, perhaps I have much to learn about this whole "he's just not that into you" idea. Apparently, I misread all the signs (never happened before). Maybe I go after the wrong type of guys and perhaps I convinced myself that everything was going well. Just like religion and myth were developed to explain strange phenomena, perhaps the "he's just not that into you" principle provides an explanation for the the inexplicable in relationships. Cuz, frankly, I can't understand this. It gives women a succinct and seemingly valid explanation to tell their friends over brunch when asked what happened with "so and so." Instead of overanalyzing every second of the relationship, the phrase concisely summarizes what exactly happened. Elaboration isn't always necessary. It's understoood: He's just not that into you.

He's Just Not That Into You Is a Joke

I am freaking sick of He's Just Not That Into You. This book has been around for a few years now and has spawned a pocket guide, "your daily wake-up call," and now a movie?! The thing most people don't realize is that Greg Behrendt, the author, is a stand-up comedian. The fact that people are latching onto this book and spouting its ideas like gospel is, well, laughable.


The basic premise of this book seems to be that women are completely blind and hopeless at managing relationships--they get slighted at every turn by guys who won't commit or are using them for sex. Oh, Greg Behrendt, how did we ever get along without you and your oversimplified generalizations?

Everyone gets slighted at some point in their life and needs to step back and realize that the relationship just isn't what they thought/hoped it could be. This goes for guys and girls. It's part of life and growing up to figure out what you will and won't put up with, and this book skews women's expectations of how a man should act. If he likes you, he'll be completely devoted to you. If he was really into you, he'd call immediately. Whatever--it totally discounts any and all other explanations of behavior, like crappy advice from friends ("Dude. Obey the 3 day rule--don't want to seem too eager").

Another thing about this book that I wholeheartedly object to is the end goal: marriage. Even good ol' Greggy is praised as having been single for a long time (so he knows all the tricks) but now is happily married. Ah, happily ever after. What every woman (and apparently man, eventually) wants. I think we all need to relax a little and deal with guys and situations on an individual basis. Ladies, put this book where it belongs: in the recycle bin.

Celine Dion is the Queen of Cheesy

Hi. I'd like to introduce you to Celine Dion, undoubtedly the cheesiest person alive. Not only did this woman get her start by singing for a soundtrack for a cheesy movie, but that "heart will go on" crap has never left her. At least Mariah Carey acknowledges sex in her lyrics (case in point: Touch My Body. Can't get more explicit than that). Celine Dion has probably never had sex in her life. It's always been true love, a joining of two souls that inevitably produced her precious little kid. Celine's version of love and the world is so cheesy, so whitewashed, it makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

She's French Canadian. There's really not much more to say on this point. I'm amazed anyone can take her seriously.

She had an act in VEGAS! Come on. Doesn't that come with a crown of cheese? You're not allowed to sing your music or perform your act in Las Vegas until you've reached a certain level of cheesiness (and commercial viability).

And finally: she has an accent in her name. Like a squirt of Cheez Whiz on top. I rest my case.

Mariah Carey May Be the Cheesiest Person Alive

Mariah Carey may be the cheesiest person alive. I've been seeing posters for her new album E=MC2 all over the city. The album is ridiculous on 2 levels: 1) the title refers to her initials (=brilliant) 2) the title suggests that the album should be considered on the same level of genius that is Einstein's Theory of Relativity. All that aside, it's always the same shit. Like all her albums before, each and every song much showcase her acclaimed canary-like vocal range and her ability to fluctuate between octaves. Her songs must always include lyrics about or metaphors to butterflies, hearts, flowers, waterfalls, and honey. All her videos must include a fan blowing on her face, daisy-dukes, bubble baths, silk pajamas, and low-cut halter tops for her breast implants. In classic Mariah fashion, she named her fragrance "M" (so there's no confusion) and it's obviously packaged in the shape of a butterfly. We've all seen her episode of CRIBS and we all now know that she has a "Moroccan Room" in her NYC penthouse apartment. This is confusing because she is not from Morocco. She also changes outfits 10 times during the entire episode. Cheese factor: 10. These are the facts and they are undisputed.

The Who and the Why

Welcome to our brand new start-up blog, Almost Friends! The almost friends consist of Jasmine and Aliza, two amazingly brilliant and sexy ladies who live in Washington, DC and New York City (respectively). We never call each other. We see each other roughly twice a year. And we will be doing nothing but disagreeing on this blog. How has this relationship stayed alive for two years? That's like asking how Tom and Katie are still together. It just works. Either that, or it's a sham.

We will be debating the hard-hitting issues on this blog--real topics that matter to us (and to you). We will be mocking celebrities, getting down to the finer points of pop culture, and exploring economic policy (not really).

Leave comments and feedback, let us know who you agree with, and suggest new topics for us to share our insight about!