O Solo Mia

I take offense to your post, my friend! Your basic assumption that the only thing to do when single is going to bars and getting wasted in search of the next boyfriend is completely off base. Trust me, I too am completely grossed out by guys in bars and they are probably equally grossed out by the girls that frequent their favorite places. Yes, I know that there are some truly heartwarming stories about so and so's parents meeting in a bar and being married for 5,000 years. Touching. But the reality of the situation is, most people (both single and not) go to bars to get laid. One quick word in defense of bars: it is possible to go out and not participate in the meat market! I definitely have a lot more fun with a group of friends and when I'm unconcerned about getting attention from the man-whores that surround me.

Which brings me to my next point: the whole glory of being single is about being unconcerned about what anyone else thinks! As soon as you let the search for the next boyfriend go, things get a lot more relaxed. You start doing things just because they make you happy, not because someone else might think they're cool. You get in touch with what you really want. All of which not only makes you a better person, but a more attractive girlfriend in the future. So what if the pickings are slim right now? If you make having a boyfriend a lower priority, then it doesn't really matter--your life is full and happy without one.

What about all the crappy parts of being tied down? The monotony of boning the same person over and over, hearing their same jokes/stories for the 50th time (at least when you're telling different people, it's always new!), the inevitable rut you get into after a little while...boring! And what's not boring is annoying: putting the toilet seat down, those pointless & irritating fights about the right way to do ___, having to compromise or agree about what to do and where to go, etc etc ad nauseum. I say, enjoy your freedom from this crap--if marriage is your end goal, you have your whole freakin' life to put up with BS from men. At this point, be selfish! Being single=doing whatever you want. Which is awesome.

Engaged and Underage

I hate being single. Granted, it's only been 3 or 4 months since my most recent breakup, but still: there's nothing good about being single. All my friends tell me to "enjoy being single," but I'm telling you that there is no such thing. Nobody actually enjoys being single. If single people LIKED being single, they wouldn't be constantly and actively on the prowl for their next boyfriend/girlfriend. Single people go out to bars and get drunk in the hopes of finding a potential new boyfriend or girlfriend. There is always an ulterior motive to "going out" and "drinking."

I'm telling you there's nothing more exhausting and annoying than being single. Having to constantly re-tell your best stories or best jokes, having to constantly wear the ultimate outfits, having to worry about whether or not the guy is gonna call is 100% completely exhausting. And what's more annoying is that there are no men worth approaching or dating. Frankly, I am completely grossed out by all men found at bars. They always smell bad and dress terribly and have absolutely nothing intelligent or remotely interesting to say.

Does anybody actually prefer to go out? Are people ever happy they drank 17 tequilla shots and can't remember half the conversation or how they got home? Do people pretend to love hangovers and beer shits? I don't.

I would much rather spend that time sleeping.

He's Just Not that Into You

Apparently, I'm delusional. I've recently found myself in a "he's not that into you situation" and I refuse to accept it. And the reason why I refuse to accept it is because I've made certain that this shit wouldn't happen to me since 8th grade. In 8th grade, I got myself a gym membership and I've been working out like a banshee ever since. Every day, I find new ways of increasing my awesome levels by 100%. I've taken on jobs merely for the bragging rights--I've worked for celebrities, acted in plays, interned at PBS, led museum tours. I've made sure to take on unique extra-curricular activities such as Tap Dancing and paint-by-numbers. I'm amazing at Karaoke. I'm good at crossword puzzles and editing peoples' resumes. I'm good at flipcup. I've nailed EVERY interview I've ever been on. I have the best taste in music, art, TV, and movies. I've gotten into grad schools. I've basically taken every precaution, short of plastic surgery (which isn't out of the question at this point), to make sure this shit looks good on a daily basis and to make sure that I have interesting things to say on dates. I've also stockpiled lists upon lists of jokes and h.larious topics of discussion and I've consistently brought my A-game. I'm known for being good at coming up with awesome gifts ideas for people I'm dating, including tickets to the Colbert Report, Chia Pets, pet goldfish, etc. Basically, if I were a guy, I would want to date me. Thus I was horrified to discover that a guy I was quasi-dating "was just not that into me." I'm not sure what went wrong considering that I was consistently awesome. Can somebody please explain. thanks.

All that aside, perhaps I have much to learn about this whole "he's just not that into you" idea. Apparently, I misread all the signs (never happened before). Maybe I go after the wrong type of guys and perhaps I convinced myself that everything was going well. Just like religion and myth were developed to explain strange phenomena, perhaps the "he's just not that into you" principle provides an explanation for the the inexplicable in relationships. Cuz, frankly, I can't understand this. It gives women a succinct and seemingly valid explanation to tell their friends over brunch when asked what happened with "so and so." Instead of overanalyzing every second of the relationship, the phrase concisely summarizes what exactly happened. Elaboration isn't always necessary. It's understoood: He's just not that into you.

He's Just Not That Into You Is a Joke

I am freaking sick of He's Just Not That Into You. This book has been around for a few years now and has spawned a pocket guide, "your daily wake-up call," and now a movie?! The thing most people don't realize is that Greg Behrendt, the author, is a stand-up comedian. The fact that people are latching onto this book and spouting its ideas like gospel is, well, laughable.


The basic premise of this book seems to be that women are completely blind and hopeless at managing relationships--they get slighted at every turn by guys who won't commit or are using them for sex. Oh, Greg Behrendt, how did we ever get along without you and your oversimplified generalizations?

Everyone gets slighted at some point in their life and needs to step back and realize that the relationship just isn't what they thought/hoped it could be. This goes for guys and girls. It's part of life and growing up to figure out what you will and won't put up with, and this book skews women's expectations of how a man should act. If he likes you, he'll be completely devoted to you. If he was really into you, he'd call immediately. Whatever--it totally discounts any and all other explanations of behavior, like crappy advice from friends ("Dude. Obey the 3 day rule--don't want to seem too eager").

Another thing about this book that I wholeheartedly object to is the end goal: marriage. Even good ol' Greggy is praised as having been single for a long time (so he knows all the tricks) but now is happily married. Ah, happily ever after. What every woman (and apparently man, eventually) wants. I think we all need to relax a little and deal with guys and situations on an individual basis. Ladies, put this book where it belongs: in the recycle bin.

Celine Dion is the Queen of Cheesy

Hi. I'd like to introduce you to Celine Dion, undoubtedly the cheesiest person alive. Not only did this woman get her start by singing for a soundtrack for a cheesy movie, but that "heart will go on" crap has never left her. At least Mariah Carey acknowledges sex in her lyrics (case in point: Touch My Body. Can't get more explicit than that). Celine Dion has probably never had sex in her life. It's always been true love, a joining of two souls that inevitably produced her precious little kid. Celine's version of love and the world is so cheesy, so whitewashed, it makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

She's French Canadian. There's really not much more to say on this point. I'm amazed anyone can take her seriously.

She had an act in VEGAS! Come on. Doesn't that come with a crown of cheese? You're not allowed to sing your music or perform your act in Las Vegas until you've reached a certain level of cheesiness (and commercial viability).

And finally: she has an accent in her name. Like a squirt of Cheez Whiz on top. I rest my case.

Mariah Carey May Be the Cheesiest Person Alive

Mariah Carey may be the cheesiest person alive. I've been seeing posters for her new album E=MC2 all over the city. The album is ridiculous on 2 levels: 1) the title refers to her initials (=brilliant) 2) the title suggests that the album should be considered on the same level of genius that is Einstein's Theory of Relativity. All that aside, it's always the same shit. Like all her albums before, each and every song much showcase her acclaimed canary-like vocal range and her ability to fluctuate between octaves. Her songs must always include lyrics about or metaphors to butterflies, hearts, flowers, waterfalls, and honey. All her videos must include a fan blowing on her face, daisy-dukes, bubble baths, silk pajamas, and low-cut halter tops for her breast implants. In classic Mariah fashion, she named her fragrance "M" (so there's no confusion) and it's obviously packaged in the shape of a butterfly. We've all seen her episode of CRIBS and we all now know that she has a "Moroccan Room" in her NYC penthouse apartment. This is confusing because she is not from Morocco. She also changes outfits 10 times during the entire episode. Cheese factor: 10. These are the facts and they are undisputed.

The Who and the Why

Welcome to our brand new start-up blog, Almost Friends! The almost friends consist of Jasmine and Aliza, two amazingly brilliant and sexy ladies who live in Washington, DC and New York City (respectively). We never call each other. We see each other roughly twice a year. And we will be doing nothing but disagreeing on this blog. How has this relationship stayed alive for two years? That's like asking how Tom and Katie are still together. It just works. Either that, or it's a sham.

We will be debating the hard-hitting issues on this blog--real topics that matter to us (and to you). We will be mocking celebrities, getting down to the finer points of pop culture, and exploring economic policy (not really).

Leave comments and feedback, let us know who you agree with, and suggest new topics for us to share our insight about!