Coffee Rules, Tea Drools

10:00 am is a weak moment in the day for me, too--can I make it to lunch without passing out on my keyboard either from exhaustion or hunger? Fortunately, the decision is a simple one: to coffee or not to coffee. Because tea is for wimps.

I don't know if you know this, but tea comes in both caffeinated (pain) and non-caffeinated (no pain, and also no gain) varieties. Both unequivocally suck. Tea is nothing but gross-flavored water. Granted, the same could be said about coffee, but things can be added to make it delicious. My favorite things to add include chocolate, milk, caramel and any number of syrupy flavors to make it taste like ice cream. There is nothing you can add to tea to make it taste good. Sure, people put sugar, honey, and even milk in it, but their efforts are in vain.

Particularly annoying are those who drink a concoction called "sweetea," and yes it is all one word. I have on-the-job experience making sweetea, and I can tell you that it really doesn't matter how much sugar you put in tea (and oh, they test the limits), it's possibly one of the foulest things one could put in one's mouth, and yet people are passionate about this drink. I don't get it. It seems to me like a one-way ticket to diabetes land.

Tea also has this strange reputation for being calming--the specific image that comes to mind is that of an old lady with a lap blanket and a cat, drinking tea by the fireplace. Hipsters also drink tea when they want to seem zen, and cooler than you, which is redundant because it is the definition of the word "hipster."

Coffee, on the other hand, is the opposite of calming. Go-getters drink coffee. People who get stuff done drink coffee, and often are getting things done at the same time as getting coffee. Need to stay up late and finish a project? Drink coffee. Will your work be as good as if you had managed your time properly and worked on it when you weren't delirious from lack of sleep and hyperactive from too much coffee? Hell no. But is that coffee's fault? Nope.

There is a reason for coffee's ubiquity: it's awesome. Coffee is the drink of champions, and tea is the drink of old ladies who need to get to bed by 8pm.