Friday, November 21, 2008

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I freaking love the holidays. I can't help it. I'm not a particularly huge fan of winter, but Thanksgiving and Christmas pretty much make up for the bitter, bitter cold that comes with them.

Thanksgiving is the first in the holiday season, and I feel like it is a great way to ease yourself into this time of pure goodwill and happiness. Thanksgiving is mostly badass because of the food, as everyone knows. The turkey is classic, of course, but why not spice it up with a Turducken or a Tofurky this year? (I have personally been on a campaign to get my family to try a traditional holiday Tofurky since high school, to no avail.) My favorite side by far has got to be the sweet potatoes, and for dessert you can't go wrong with a pumpkin pie. Mmm.

But other good things come along with all that delicious food. This is a time when people come together--even if you're not around your family, there is always a group of friends or another family more than willing to take you in. The food coma that sets in post-turkey produces a group of people who have nothing better to do than hang out, watch movies, talk, or toss a football around. I ask you, in what other time of year does this phenomenon occur?

Thanksgiving used to mark the start of the Christmas/holiday rush, but no longer. Now, people can't wait until the end of November to put on The Best of Bing Crosby: Christmas Collection or my personal favorite, Merry Christmas. (Classic!) Not that I'm complaining--I could sing along to "All I Want For Christmas Is You" 12 months out of the year. It just sets a certain mood: peace, goodwill, cheer...ah, I love it.

The excitement over Christmas is something that hasn't really gone away for me. Granted, I don't wake up at 5am anymore, but the anticipation over seeing what goodies you might have gotten and the looks on your friends' and family members' faces when they open a particularly apt present is just great. So this year, I am trying something new for my Christmas countdown: the advent calendar. I found one that a) has penguins b) makes no mention of Jesus whatsoever c) is a pop-up! and I just had to have it. How fun is that??

Christmas is also worth the countdown because of the family time (pretty much the only time I see my brother) and I also usually end up hanging out with some pretty sweet high school friends that have dispersed to other places and are doing all kinds of different things. Seriously, it's great. I don't even really know why this is a debatable issue, really. Over to you, Scrooge McSleaze...

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Chaste is Chic

I would like to state for the record that I cannot believe I am writing this. And neither will many of you, especially those of you who went through the ultra-liberal, super comprehensive, and also completely hilarious sex ed program Our Whole Lives at the UU church with me.

But here goes: overt sexuality is out. In high school and even college, there was a certain shock factor involved to talk about how much you had sex and in what ways, especially for women. Being overtly sexual, by the way you dress or what you say, is also a tried-and-true tactic to attract attention from men. Sure, it works, but usually on a certain kind of man...ladies, you know what I mean.

What is way more fun is to keep your private life private. I realize that everyone is sharing everything about themselves on the internet these days and I kind of come off as a backwards-thinking southern girl, but you're erasing all the mystery and intrigue when you lay every dirty detail about everything you've done with complete strangers! Cover up that cleavage. Get your vibrator delivered to your door instead of strutting into sex shops (which are creepy, anyway...I have yet to see an advantage over the internet).

I'm not saying be ashamed of your sexuality. Go ahead and watch your porn, use your toys, and above all be GGG. But as a wise man once said, be a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets.

Stay classy, D.C.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Good Vibrations

Well, the jig is up. It's time to buy a vibrator. First, I would just like to say that I'm very disappointed in my friends for not buying me one for my birthday when I turned 18, but whatever. Unfortunately, despite all my efforts to the contrary, I'm not getting any younger and since I've become comfortable with the fact that I'm going to be alone forever, I might as well explore this new territory. I recently asked Jasmine if she'd like to escort me to a "adult" shop and she promptly explained that these sort of things need to be done online. But to be honest, I'm done with being coy and repressed. If you've already made the decision to buy a vibrator, I think it's time to cast embarassment out the window and face our fears and go to an actual "adult" shop. I just think that this country has spent enough time being repressed and that there's nothing wrong with being overtly confident about one's sexuality. Buying a vibrator online basically means that you're willing to spend the extra cash on shipping in order to avoid feeling embarassed that you are a sexual person. I'm not sure why women think they need to keep this shit under wrap. I just think that repression is a very outdated concept. If anything, having a vibrator can make a woman more in tune with her body. I'm tired of vibrators being associated with desperation--I think it's a sign of maturity.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Boy Dictionary Redux

While studying for my bagillion exams tomorrow, I've come up with some additional entries for our collective Boy Dictionary (to be copyrighted). I practically have a Ph.D in Masculinity...

"I can't live without you." = except I can.

"I didn't have any internet access/I had no service out there" = People who say they don't have internet access are obviously lying. everybody refreshes their browser every 10 seconds. nice try.

"I work in finance." = I have an inferiority complex, wear Express for Men button down shirts, watch Monday night football, and listen to Dave Matthews.

"We should hang out sometime." = See you never.

"I don't want to talk about it." = Bad news.

"8pm" = Add 15 minutes

"I can't make any promises...." = shocking

"Aliza, I think you're overanalyzing this." = you figured me out

"Aliza, are you always this dramatic?" = yes.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Boy Dictionary

All right, it's time for another boy-centric installment of Almost Friends. This time, Aliza and I are tackling a boy dictionary. In our many years of experience in dealing with the male of the species, we've encountered quite a few phrases (and outright lies) that really mean something other than what they're saying. A lot of guys will try to convince you that they are simple, always say what they mean, etc, etc. This is simply not true, as they manage to leave us completely befuddled on a regular basis. Without further ado, here's my list of common boy phrases and their translations.


We should totally hang out: Either means we will never hang out or can be delivered as a crushing "you're just a friend" blow at the end of a bar conversation or date. Beware of the phrase "hang out."

I love Grey's Anatomy/Project Runway: I will tolerate that chick show to get in your pants.

I've never put myself out there like this: I want to get in your pants.

I like to take it slow: I want to get in your pants.

Nice shirt: I want to get in your pants. (You get the idea.)


She's just a friend: Usually a lie, but not always. Just usually.

I need some time to think about it: I know what my answer is, but you don't want to hear it so I am going to put it off for as long as possible. Synonym: I don't want to talk about it.

I don't know, Jasmine, I don't know: Shut up, you're talking about this too much and I don't want to anymore.

We're going to talk: I'm going to watch basketball.

I want a night in: I'm going out with the guys.

**Thanks to all my fabulous friends who shared input and brainstorming for the dictionary! If you have alternative translations or other boy phrases, please leave them in the comments. xoxo

Friday, September 5, 2008

Adnan Ghalib Is the Lamest. Person. Alive. (End of Story.)

Hello, blogosphere. How you durrin? (that’s right, I managed to make a Shirley Q reference two words in to my very first blog post, ever.)

So, in an attempt to read your mind, you are totally befuddled. I know that you are all, "What? This is Jasmine and Aliza's blog - who is this new Katie person?" Well, I'll have you know that when I was debating with Jasmine at the bar over who is the lamest person ever, "this Katie person" had the best argument, ever, for who the lamest person alive is, (celebrity wise, I know a few douchey lay-people who would rank as well.) and so I had to post. HAD TO. As in, I might explode if I had to keep this inside for any longer. So Jasmine did some interweb magics and made me an admin. I have opinions. Get ready.

With no further ado…
ADNAN GHALIB is the lamest person ever to exist on the face of the planet.

In a second attempt to read your mind, you might be saying "Who? Who is this Adnan person? And what is this name? Is it Aiden, or Adam, or what is the deal here?" and therein, my dear reader, you make my first point for me. + 1 on the lame scale. WHO IS ADNAN? And what is up with his crazy name? That’s exactly my point - we don't even know who he is. We know who Ashlee is. We even know who Marc is. But Adnan? Who is this dude?

He's Britney Spears' on-again-off-again paparazzi boyfriend.

"OH YEAHHHH you say... I heard about him." Mmhm, yes you did. You read/heard about his lame little attempt to weasel his weasly way into Brit-Brit's life when he was the paparazzi who fell into her sordid life during late 2007. I'll be lazy and let TV Crunch describe:

"Adnan Ghalib, 35, works for the agency FinalPixx, but seemed to find a place in Britney Spears’ heart – and bed? Well, Adnan Ghalib and Britney Spears have been seen checking into hotels anyway: Britney Spears invited Adnan Ghalib to her Beverly Hills hotel room on December 22nd. Six days later, Adnan Ghalib was seen in Britney Spears’s car, driving the pop princess to a West Hollywood home. Adnan Ghalib was seen going into a Palm Springs hotel with Britney Spears on January 2nd at 2 AM. The pair checked out at 7 AM. Adnan Ghalib was not with Britney Spears when she had her meltdown — and he didn’t visit her during her hospital stay either. Adnan Ghalib and Britney Spears were seen the day after her release, having breakfast together.”

Now, after that, Papa Brit-Brit forbade Adnan from having any contact whatsoever with Brit during MAJOR LIFE MELTDOWN 2007/8 when she had to go to the hospital. Like, twenty times. Who gets banned by Papa Spears? Not that lame-o who preggers Jamie Lynn. Not K-Fed. You have to be extra whack for Papa Spears to hate up on you. Lame points = 2. Oh man, glorious.

So okay – now you remember who he is, right? So what else makes him lame? Well, let’s start with being a paparazzi. That’s lame. You chase people around all day and have to lug a long lens. It means you didn’t even bother to attempt to get your GED. It means you like to skulk and sit in cars. We’re already ranking him a 3 on the lame scale.

Let’s move on to wanting to date Britney Spears. This is lame-o no matter how you look at it. It could be perceived as either a way to move into the media sight-line (which, you could definitely argue as the reason he wanted to date Brit, seeing as he did lots of interviews on ET during said drug-induced meltdown, and even went on Kathy Griffin when asked, which is only a +.00001 redeeming point.) (Sigh, I love Kathy.) (I also love parenthesis.) Lame total: 4.9999

Or, GASP, he could, GASP, ACTUALLY WANT TO DATE HER. Now that is supa-lame. Have you seen the woman? Does she have any actual real hair on her head? She’s also gained and lost weight at the speed of Star Jones. Or Anna Nicole Smith on Trimspa, baby. But seriously? BRITNEY SPEARS? YOU WANT TO DATE HER? You actually want to associate yourself with two poor kids and K-Fed? K-Fed? There is actually someone alive who wants K-Fed’s leftovers? So lame. We’ve hit 5.9999

And then there is his outward appearance. (See right.) Marc Anthony may be fugly and Ashlee darling may have a new nose… but at least they don’t grow a landing strip down their chin. That’s right, a landing strip. Planes from miles away are seeing that, and thinking it’s a runway. Pilots right now are rerouting their American Airlines flights to land on Adnan’s face. Gah - 6.9999

And finally, for my grand finale, (and because this post is getting long, because Adnan is so lame) I give you this: Adnan tried to sell a sex tape of him and Brit. +7.9999. There is an actual headline stating that Adnan got attacked by a knife-weilding maniac : +8.9999 (cause really, who gets attacked these days? Loser.) As on Sept. 2nd, 2008, He and Brit-Brit ARE BACK TOGETHER. +9.9999

That, folks, is the lamest person ever.

Signing off, with love.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

L-A, L-A, L-A-M-E

Oh, Ashlee Simpson. You can't really help that you're the lamest person alive, can you? You come from a family of uberlame, spotlight-hogging Simpsons. And yet, the fact remains: no one is lamer than you.

I think we all got our first taste of Ashlee-brand lameade when she had that short-lived reality show on MTV. I have no idea what that show was about, but that's when we knew for sure that our little Ashlee had a taste for skinny dudes with too much product in their hair. I think that's also when she got that nose job, so she could "sing" better. Whatever, the tabloids went wild and that's all that matters.

She's put out a couple of albums, none of which really went anywhere. Her lyrics are complete crap and the music is just contrived generic pop a la Paris Hilton or Brooke Hogan. But due to those albums, she had the rare opportunity to fuck up NOT JUST a performance on SNL, but the SUPERBOWL HALFTIME SHOW. Wow. Not many people can say that.

Then, she made the awesome decision to marry "rocker" Pete Wentz and get knocked up before she hit 24. Brilliant idea--that'll definitely last forever. She now spends most of her time wearing ridiculous clothes and dying her hair different colors, both pursuits I support. Hey, at least she's not making more music.