Women seeking Men

"Me"

If I'm not bald, I don't expect my boyfriend to be bald either. If I have all my teeth, I expect my boyfriend to have all his teeth. Etc.

My toleration levels for certain unacceptable behavior in the opposite sex is approximately 0%. The profile Jasmine has described below is that of a troll. I think the key here is that one must realize that one is not a troll and that one shouldn't expect her date to be a troll either. I think all women, at some point, need to self-evaluate themselves ("allow myself to introduce...myself") and figure out what she brings to the table and what qualities in her are highly sought after and then raise their standards in the opposite sex accordingly. In the past, I've selected potential mates based on the fact that they liked ME, but nowadays, perhaps due to being chronically disappointed by all these losers, I've realized that I should be into THEM and shouldn't have to impress anybody. First of all, it goes without saying, that all men are disgusting and hideous and the fact that we pay them any attention is really a miracle from Yaweh. In order to find the least repulsive man out there, one MUST have some standards besides if he has all his teeth. If a guy is missing his teeth, that's big problem and its unacceptable.

I've drafted a brief list of what I'm looking for:

1. Brown Eyes/Hair Combo Platter

2. Glasses

3. 5"7-5"8 ft tall

4. Listens to NPR

5. Can appreciate my love for Christian iconography

6. Compliments my xxxtreme beauty on a daily basis

7. Likes documentaries

8. Able to calculate tip

9. No sports jerseys allowed

10. No video games allowed

11. Must Love Dogs

12. Must brag about me to his friends

13. Must be able to fix computer and all electronics

14. Tolerates my cooking

15. No man-jewelry of any kind (this includes earrings, chains, and hemp necklaces)

16. No barb wire and/or tribal tattoos of any kind

17. I make the jokes and he makes inferior jokes

18. Smells good at all times

19. Sends flowers to my office

20. Likes spicy foods

21. Likes to play Clue

22. No muscle tone whatsoever

If you fit the criteria in this profile, call me.

The List

My lovely co-blogger and almost friend Aliza and I were recently discussing a topic that I think everyone can relate to: The List. For those of you not familiar (or who claim ignorance), The List is a list of qualities that you require in a partner. For some, especially middle school girls, this lists exists on paper and decorated with 5,987 hearts and an abundance of glitter. For others, it's a constantly changing mental tally. Whatever form The List takes, everyone has one.

My question is, what good is having The List? To me, The List just represents ridiculous ideals and standards no real human can live up to. It's intimidating as hell to wonder how many qualities you have that the other person is looking for. How far do I fall short? What things are on The List that s/he just isn't telling me about? That last question is particularly relevant, as I have a sneaking suspicion that a good number of things on The List are easily checked off, if only your partner knew you liked that kind of crap. Prime example: #282: Bring me flowers randomly. Is this an intrinsic quality that people are born with? No. This is something that can be learned, albeit with perhaps years of training.

All that being said, I advocate for a move toward a more moderate and attainable List. If you keep your standards low, you'll be so much more pleasantly surprised when someone goes above and beyond!

1. Speak passable English, or at least a language I undersand.
2. Be literate, and have read at least 10 books above a sixth-grade reading level in your lifetime.
3. Have at least 60% of your hair.
4. Be nice.
5. Demonstrate an interest in some genre of music besides Country.
6. Bathe and brush teeth on a regular basis.
7. No piercings anywhere but ears.
8. No drug addictions.
9. No personal or family history of abuse, mental illness, or repeated felonies.
10. Absolutely no rednecks.

Now, my list might seem to exclude an unnecessarily large portion of the male population, but I stand behind my choices. No exceptions, especially on #10. I've had great success with this list, and I think many of you out there could benefit from my wisdom. With a list like mine, you too could go on literally over ten dates a year!

Coffee Rules, Tea Drools

10:00 am is a weak moment in the day for me, too--can I make it to lunch without passing out on my keyboard either from exhaustion or hunger? Fortunately, the decision is a simple one: to coffee or not to coffee. Because tea is for wimps.

I don't know if you know this, but tea comes in both caffeinated (pain) and non-caffeinated (no pain, and also no gain) varieties. Both unequivocally suck. Tea is nothing but gross-flavored water. Granted, the same could be said about coffee, but things can be added to make it delicious. My favorite things to add include chocolate, milk, caramel and any number of syrupy flavors to make it taste like ice cream. There is nothing you can add to tea to make it taste good. Sure, people put sugar, honey, and even milk in it, but their efforts are in vain.

Particularly annoying are those who drink a concoction called "sweetea," and yes it is all one word. I have on-the-job experience making sweetea, and I can tell you that it really doesn't matter how much sugar you put in tea (and oh, they test the limits), it's possibly one of the foulest things one could put in one's mouth, and yet people are passionate about this drink. I don't get it. It seems to me like a one-way ticket to diabetes land.

Tea also has this strange reputation for being calming--the specific image that comes to mind is that of an old lady with a lap blanket and a cat, drinking tea by the fireplace. Hipsters also drink tea when they want to seem zen, and cooler than you, which is redundant because it is the definition of the word "hipster."

Coffee, on the other hand, is the opposite of calming. Go-getters drink coffee. People who get stuff done drink coffee, and often are getting things done at the same time as getting coffee. Need to stay up late and finish a project? Drink coffee. Will your work be as good as if you had managed your time properly and worked on it when you weren't delirious from lack of sleep and hyperactive from too much coffee? Hell no. But is that coffee's fault? Nope.

There is a reason for coffee's ubiquity: it's awesome. Coffee is the drink of champions, and tea is the drink of old ladies who need to get to bed by 8pm.

"Two for Tea and Tea for Two"

"Boston Tea Party"

Almost everyday, approximately around 10 am, I go through the same dilemma: whether I want to drink a cup of coffee or drink a cup of tea. There are many factors that go into this seemingly simple decision. The first question I always ask myself is: am I in the mood to have a horrible stomachache and then eventually have diarrhea? The second question I always ask myself is: how late do I plan to stay up tonight? The third question is: do I want to have an amazing headache in approximately 4 hours from now? And lastly: can I afford to stunt my growth any further?

If I've answered yes to any of those questions, I proceed directly to the nearest Starbucks, spend $15 on a get a cup of coffee, and then later regret it. If I want to avoid being in pain all day, I opt for a cup of tea.

I became a regular tea drinker after my first semester in college when I realized that the jig is up and I cannot rely on sleeping anymore. Incidentally, at the same time, I also realized that my metabolism was slowing at an alarming rate and that this needed to stop. So my friend recommended that I drink "Green Tea" because apparently Green tea contains remnants of the fountain of youth while also providing "antioxidants" (whatever THAT means) and also contains caffeine. Green tea may look and taste just like pond water, but I'm telling you that this shit is KEY.

Tea may taste like nothing but water and flowers, but, compared to coffee, the side effects are less insane. Tea is relaxing, soothing, and therapeutic. It provides anti-oxidants (whatever THAT means) and can relieve sore throats and congestion. Nothing is more relaxing than sipping a cup of hot tea on a cold day. Also, tea is less of a commitment, both financial and physical, than coffee is because people become insanely addicted to coffee. I don't know about you but after I drink a cup of coffee, I need to immediately guzzle 14 quarts of water to cancel out the dehydrating effects of coffee.

Listen, I'm aware that there are times, specifically when either a) you need to stay up all night against your will and go out with friends or b) you're working on very little sleep and/or are hungover and that, in these extreme cases, a cup of coffee is XXXtremely and absolutely necessary. But seriously, people need to calm down with their coffee intake before we all develop coffee-bean sized ulcers. I'm tired of seeing those keychains that say "Don't bother me until I've had my coffee!" or "I'm a bitch until i have a cup of coffee!" Calm down.

Brad is the Pitts

"No Thanks"

I'm sorry, but I've never been attracted to Brad Pitt so everybody needs to calm down. I find that there's nothing really unique about his blonde hair, blue eyes, chiseled face appearance. Frankly, I'm tired of people saying "he's so hot" or when People Magazine rank him in the Top 10 Hottest Men. How is it ok for him to be allowed to have frosted tips for 10 years and it be considered taboo for the average man? How quickly we forget when he sported the "rugged" mullet with hemp necklaces back in the early 2000s. And what about "Meet Joe Black" when he could've really used a tan, a better script, and looked like a woman. Secondly, besides FightClub, which apparently everybody MUST love or else, what really has he been in? Personally, I fell asleep watching FightClub and never understood the plot, nor could I understand why men would want to meet in a basement and beat the shit out of each other without a mouth guard or a helmet. Thirdly, I'm also tired of "Brangelina" and their 43587 adopted children. It's getting annoying.

Can somebody please explain why girls are obsessed with guys with blonde hair and blue eyes? To me, its very boring and unappealing. But for some reason, no matter what, girls will go apeshit for this genetic combo. I'll take Rivers Cuomo and Adam Duritz over that shit any day.