"Two for Tea and Tea for Two"

"Boston Tea Party"

Almost everyday, approximately around 10 am, I go through the same dilemma: whether I want to drink a cup of coffee or drink a cup of tea. There are many factors that go into this seemingly simple decision. The first question I always ask myself is: am I in the mood to have a horrible stomachache and then eventually have diarrhea? The second question I always ask myself is: how late do I plan to stay up tonight? The third question is: do I want to have an amazing headache in approximately 4 hours from now? And lastly: can I afford to stunt my growth any further?

If I've answered yes to any of those questions, I proceed directly to the nearest Starbucks, spend $15 on a get a cup of coffee, and then later regret it. If I want to avoid being in pain all day, I opt for a cup of tea.

I became a regular tea drinker after my first semester in college when I realized that the jig is up and I cannot rely on sleeping anymore. Incidentally, at the same time, I also realized that my metabolism was slowing at an alarming rate and that this needed to stop. So my friend recommended that I drink "Green Tea" because apparently Green tea contains remnants of the fountain of youth while also providing "antioxidants" (whatever THAT means) and also contains caffeine. Green tea may look and taste just like pond water, but I'm telling you that this shit is KEY.

Tea may taste like nothing but water and flowers, but, compared to coffee, the side effects are less insane. Tea is relaxing, soothing, and therapeutic. It provides anti-oxidants (whatever THAT means) and can relieve sore throats and congestion. Nothing is more relaxing than sipping a cup of hot tea on a cold day. Also, tea is less of a commitment, both financial and physical, than coffee is because people become insanely addicted to coffee. I don't know about you but after I drink a cup of coffee, I need to immediately guzzle 14 quarts of water to cancel out the dehydrating effects of coffee.

Listen, I'm aware that there are times, specifically when either a) you need to stay up all night against your will and go out with friends or b) you're working on very little sleep and/or are hungover and that, in these extreme cases, a cup of coffee is XXXtremely and absolutely necessary. But seriously, people need to calm down with their coffee intake before we all develop coffee-bean sized ulcers. I'm tired of seeing those keychains that say "Don't bother me until I've had my coffee!" or "I'm a bitch until i have a cup of coffee!" Calm down.