Boy Dictionary Redux

While studying for my bagillion exams tomorrow, I've come up with some additional entries for our collective Boy Dictionary (to be copyrighted). I practically have a Ph.D in Masculinity...



"I can't live without you." = except I can.


"I didn't have any internet access/I had no service out there" = People who say they don't have internet access are obviously lying. everybody refreshes their browser every 10 seconds. nice try.


"I work in finance." = I have an inferiority complex, wear Express for Men button down shirts, watch Monday night football, and listen to Dave Matthews.


"We should hang out sometime." = See you never.


"I don't want to talk about it." = Bad news.


"8pm" = Add 15 minutes


"I can't make any promises...." = shocking

"Aliza, I think you're overanalyzing this." = you figured me out

"Aliza, are you always this dramatic?" = yes.

Boy Dictionary

All right, it's time for another boy-centric installment of Almost Friends. This time, Aliza and I are tackling a boy dictionary. In our many years of experience in dealing with the male of the species, we've encountered quite a few phrases (and outright lies) that really mean something other than what they're saying. A lot of guys will try to convince you that they are simple, always say what they mean, etc, etc. This is simply not true, as they manage to leave us completely befuddled on a regular basis. Without further ado, here's my list of common boy phrases and their translations.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

We should totally hang out: Either means we will never hang out or can be delivered as a crushing "you're just a friend" blow at the end of a bar conversation or date. Beware of the phrase "hang out."

I love Grey's Anatomy/Project Runway: I will tolerate that chick show to get in your pants.

I've never put myself out there like this: I want to get in your pants.

I like to take it slow: I want to get in your pants.

Nice shirt: I want to get in your pants. (You get the idea.)

BOYFRIEND PHRASES

She's just a friend: Usually a lie, but not always. Just usually.

I need some time to think about it: I know what my answer is, but you don't want to hear it so I am going to put it off for as long as possible. Synonym: I don't want to talk about it.

I don't know, Jasmine, I don't know: Shut up, you're talking about this too much and I don't want to anymore.

We're going to talk: I'm going to watch basketball.

I want a night in: I'm going out with the guys.

**Thanks to all my fabulous friends who shared input and brainstorming for the dictionary! If you have alternative translations or other boy phrases, please leave them in the comments. xoxo

Adnan Ghalib Is the Lamest. Person. Alive. (End of Story.)

Hello, blogosphere. How you durrin? (that’s right, I managed to make a Shirley Q reference two words in to my very first blog post, ever.)

So, in an attempt to read your mind, you are totally befuddled. I know that you are all, "What? This is Jasmine and Aliza's blog - who is this new Katie person?" Well, I'll have you know that when I was debating with Jasmine at the bar over who is the lamest person ever, "this Katie person" had the best argument, ever, for who the lamest person alive is, (celebrity wise, I know a few douchey lay-people who would rank as well.) and so I had to post. HAD TO. As in, I might explode if I had to keep this inside for any longer. So Jasmine did some interweb magics and made me an admin. I have opinions. Get ready.

With no further ado…

ADNAN GHALIB is the lamest person ever to exist on the face of the planet.

In a second attempt to read your mind, you might be saying "Who? Who is this Adnan person? And what is this name? Is it Aiden, or Adam, or what is the deal here?" and therein, my dear reader, you make my first point for me. + 1 on the lame scale. WHO IS ADNAN? And what is up with his crazy name? That’s exactly my point - we don't even know who he is. We know who Ashlee is. We even know who Marc is. But Adnan? Who is this dude?

He's Britney Spears' on-again-off-again paparazzi boyfriend.

"OH YEAHHHH you say... I heard about him." Mmhm, yes you did. You read/heard about his lame little attempt to weasel his weasly way into Brit-Brit's life when he was the paparazzi who fell into her sordid life during late 2007. I'll be lazy and let TV Crunch describe:

"Adnan Ghalib, 35, works for the agency FinalPixx, but seemed to find a place in Britney Spears’ heart – and bed? Well, Adnan Ghalib and Britney Spears have been seen checking into hotels anyway: Britney Spears invited Adnan Ghalib to her Beverly Hills hotel room on December 22nd. Six days later, Adnan Ghalib was seen in Britney Spears’s car, driving the pop princess to a West Hollywood home. Adnan Ghalib was seen going into a Palm Springs hotel with Britney Spears on January 2nd at 2 AM. The pair checked out at 7 AM. Adnan Ghalib was not with Britney Spears when she had her meltdown — and he didn’t visit her during her hospital stay either. Adnan Ghalib and Britney Spears were seen the day after her release, having breakfast together.”

Now, after that, Papa Brit-Brit forbade Adnan from having any contact whatsoever with Brit during MAJOR LIFE MELTDOWN 2007/8 when she had to go to the hospital. Like, twenty times. Who gets banned by Papa Spears? Not that lame-o who preggers Jamie Lynn. Not K-Fed. You have to be extra whack for Papa Spears to hate up on you. Lame points = 2. Oh man, glorious.

So okay – now you remember who he is, right? So what else makes him lame? Well, let’s start with being a paparazzi. That’s lame. You chase people around all day and have to lug a long lens. It means you didn’t even bother to attempt to get your GED. It means you like to skulk and sit in cars. We’re already ranking him a 3 on the lame scale.

Let’s move on to wanting to date Britney Spears. This is lame-o no matter how you look at it. It could be perceived as either a way to move into the media sight-line (which, you could definitely argue as the reason he wanted to date Brit, seeing as he did lots of interviews on ET during said drug-induced meltdown, and even went on Kathy Griffin when asked, which is only a +.00001 redeeming point.) (Sigh, I love Kathy.) (I also love parenthesis.) Lame total: 4.9999

Or, GASP, he could, GASP, ACTUALLY WANT TO DATE HER. Now that is supa-lame. Have you seen the woman? Does she have any actual real hair on her head? She’s also gained and lost weight at the speed of Star Jones. Or Anna Nicole Smith on Trimspa, baby. But seriously? BRITNEY SPEARS? YOU WANT TO DATE HER? You actually want to associate yourself with two poor kids and K-Fed? K-Fed? There is actually someone alive who wants K-Fed’s leftovers? So lame. We’ve hit 5.9999

And then there is his outward appearance. (See right.) Marc Anthony may be fugly and Ashlee darling may have a new nose… but at least they don’t grow a landing strip down their chin. That’s right, a landing strip. Planes from miles away are seeing that, and thinking it’s a runway. Pilots right now are rerouting their American Airlines flights to land on Adnan’s face. Gah - 6.9999

And finally, for my grand finale, (and because this post is getting long, because Adnan is so lame) I give you this: Adnan tried to sell a sex tape of him and Brit. +7.9999. There is an actual headline stating that Adnan got attacked by a knife-weilding maniac : +8.9999 (cause really, who gets attacked these days? Loser.) As on Sept. 2nd, 2008, He and Brit-Brit ARE BACK TOGETHER. +9.9999

That, folks, is the lamest person ever.

Signing off, with love.

L-A, L-A, L-A-M-E

Oh, Ashlee Simpson. You can't really help that you're the lamest person alive, can you? You come from a family of uberlame, spotlight-hogging Simpsons. And yet, the fact remains: no one is lamer than you.

I think we all got our first taste of Ashlee-brand lameade when she had that short-lived reality show on MTV. I have no idea what that show was about, but that's when we knew for sure that our little Ashlee had a taste for skinny dudes with too much product in their hair. I think that's also when she got that nose job, so she could "sing" better. Whatever, the tabloids went wild and that's all that matters.

She's put out a couple of albums, none of which really went anywhere. Her lyrics are complete crap and the music is just contrived generic pop a la Paris Hilton or Brooke Hogan. But due to those albums, she had the rare opportunity to fuck up NOT JUST a performance on SNL, but the SUPERBOWL HALFTIME SHOW. Wow. Not many people can say that.

Then, she made the awesome decision to marry "rocker" Pete Wentz and get knocked up before she hit 24. Brilliant idea--that'll definitely last forever. She now spends most of her time wearing ridiculous clothes and dying her hair different colors, both pursuits I support. Hey, at least she's not making more music.

Lamest Person Alive

I'm sorry but Marc Anthony is the world's lamest person. This occurred to me when I was streaming in 106.7 LiteFM into my cubicle and the song "My Baby You" came onto the airwaves. Um, I don't know if any of you have heard the lyrics to this song but apparently he cut and pasted lines from several Hallmark cards and added a stalker-like melody (i.e. "as i look into your eyes i see all the reasons why my life's worth a thousand skies...") Um-"my life's worth a thousand skies"?--I have two questions about this: 1) is this a joke? and 2) are you kidding me?.

The chorus to this blockbuster hit reads, "my baby you are the reason i could fly and 'cause of you i don't have to wonder why...". Um-am I alone in thinking that these lines don't make any sense? Could these words be any more vague? He needs to calm down here. For the record, this song makes me want to punch somebody out.

I'm not going to go in depth about his spanish music career because obviously his American music is all that counts. But anyway, I'd like to add that his two other American "hits" (depending on who you ask) called "I need to know"and "You sang to me" are both some of the biggest pieces of sh*t that I've ever heard. I've taken it upon myself to read the lyrics to these songs and I assure you that they make no sense, mean nothing, and are definitively lame.

It doesn't help that Marc Anthony's voice sounds like he's singing underwater while simultaneously sitting on a moving rollercoaster. Also, I don't know if you've seen pictures of him, but, for the record, he looks like he hasn't slept in 53 years and hasn't eaten in 12. He also needs to fire his stylist because whoever thought the greasy bohemian guido look was in was seriously mistaken. He's always wearing flowy Italian hair-dresser shirts (unbuttoned), hemp necklaces, chunky rings, and West Side Story hairstyles. Um--is this a joke.

In general, Marc Anthony needs to calm down about his music--it's not great. In my expert opinion, I think he should immediately fire his managers and his wardrobe specialist and start over.