My perfect day would consist of me waking up around 9 am and leisurely making my way to the kitchen for some coffee or tea and oatmeal. I would then spend the next hour or so sitting at my kitchen counter reading the New York Times, The New York Times Magazine, In Style, and Us Weekly, while simultaneously listening to This American Life and Savage Love on itunes.
I would then spend most of the day hiking and biking in up-state NY, stopping for a picnic lunch, featuring peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, trail mix, homemade mint iced-tea, rice pudding, oranges, hummos, and carrots. En route, my hiking/biking partner and I would share travel stories and make each other laugh.
After a day of outdoorsy activities, I would go to the local farmer's market and pick out and taste a variety of delicious vegetables and fruits that I will later cook for an elaborate dinner party that I will host at my apartment. I will spend the next 2-4 hours preparing for the dinner party, that will showcase an array of dips, salads, lentils, stir fry, tofu, and olive bread. While I cook, I will be intermittently sipping wine, eating olives, and listening to the Amadeus soundtrack.
When my friends arrive, we all sit around tasting the food, drinking wine, reminiscing, and telling hilarious stories. After dinner, we would all play an enormous game of Taboo.
After the dinner party, I will wash dishes while watching my Golden Girls DVDs. As I get ready for bed, I reflect on the day's events and feel satisfied with myself. There's nothing better than feeling pleasantly exhausted, knowing things were accomplished throughout the day.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
The Perfect Day=Lazy Day
If you could do anything, what would you do? Fantasizing about vacation and/or what my life would be like if I didn't have to work is always fun, even if it is an exercise in frustration being that I have approximately $40 in the bank.
My perfect day would be waking up at around 10:30am, spending three or four hours on the beach, drinking margaritas and mai tais, reading a book on a hammock, and finishing the day by going out with friends. All the food that day would be amazing and I basically wouldn't have to lift a finger.
Oh man, it's relaxing to even think about. I know this fantasy is pretty common, but the glory in this is what a complete change it is from the normal routine. I spend all day being accountable to lots of people, not to mention being responsible enough to pay bills on time and do annoying chores like laundry, dishes, and taking out the trash. That crap is exhausting!
Now, I don't know if this reflects badly on me, like I'm a lazy person at heart or something, nor do I really care. I completely identify with Peter in Office Space: if I didn't have to work, I would do nothing.
My perfect day would be waking up at around 10:30am, spending three or four hours on the beach, drinking margaritas and mai tais, reading a book on a hammock, and finishing the day by going out with friends. All the food that day would be amazing and I basically wouldn't have to lift a finger.
Oh man, it's relaxing to even think about. I know this fantasy is pretty common, but the glory in this is what a complete change it is from the normal routine. I spend all day being accountable to lots of people, not to mention being responsible enough to pay bills on time and do annoying chores like laundry, dishes, and taking out the trash. That crap is exhausting!
Now, I don't know if this reflects badly on me, like I'm a lazy person at heart or something, nor do I really care. I completely identify with Peter in Office Space: if I didn't have to work, I would do nothing.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Mosquitoes Ruin Everything
OK I have got to say, I have the battle for "___ ruins everything" in the bag. The correct answer is: mosquitoes ruin everything. You know it's true. Try to think of a time when mosquitoes were around and weren't ruining everything.
Mosquitoes have plagued me basically since I was born. I've lived in humid climates my whole life, so I really don't know what it feels like to not be constantly annoyed by these pests. To top it all off, I seem to be more attractive to them than normal. I can be out on the deck with my whole family for 15 minutes and I will get nine times the bites they will. I also get mysterious mosquito bites in the night--especially awesome is when they get my face. Like zits aren't enough. So here's the breakdown of all the ways mosquitoes suck:
1) They spread malaria, west nile, and who the f knows what else. Gross.
2) If you smack one, there's a good chance you'll get blood on you. Whether it's your own or your neighborhood crack dealer's, messing with blood is never a good idea.
3) They make otherwise pleasant outdoor activities a nightmare. Who wants to be swatting and slapping yourself the whole time you're trying to play raquetball? Best case scenario, you remembered the bugspray and now are a sticky, stinky mess. Don't forget to reapply!
4) The bites are terribly unattractive and itchy.
5) Any standing water turns into breeding grounds--so much for that pool idea.
Mosquitoes have plagued me basically since I was born. I've lived in humid climates my whole life, so I really don't know what it feels like to not be constantly annoyed by these pests. To top it all off, I seem to be more attractive to them than normal. I can be out on the deck with my whole family for 15 minutes and I will get nine times the bites they will. I also get mysterious mosquito bites in the night--especially awesome is when they get my face. Like zits aren't enough. So here's the breakdown of all the ways mosquitoes suck:
1) They spread malaria, west nile, and who the f knows what else. Gross.
2) If you smack one, there's a good chance you'll get blood on you. Whether it's your own or your neighborhood crack dealer's, messing with blood is never a good idea.
3) They make otherwise pleasant outdoor activities a nightmare. Who wants to be swatting and slapping yourself the whole time you're trying to play raquetball? Best case scenario, you remembered the bugspray and now are a sticky, stinky mess. Don't forget to reapply!
4) The bites are terribly unattractive and itchy.
5) Any standing water turns into breeding grounds--so much for that pool idea.
Splenda Ruins Everything
When asked to choose one thing that ruins everything, the answer was very simple: Splenda. Splenda became mysteriously popular sometime during my sophomore year at college. All of a sudden, all my sodas and yogurts were marked with "Now with Splenda!" All of a sudden, everybody went apeshit for this sugar substitute, claimed that it was better for you than regular sugar, and ran out to the supermarket to buy everything that contained this product. I'm not entirely sure how the media somehow convinced an ENTIRE country that Splenda was "better" for you than original, pure sugar and that ingesting it in droves will make you thinner. Um. How could a "sugar substitute," which is obviously made out of chemicals, be better than the natural source? Um. Regular sugar isn't bad for you unless you are eating sticks of it every 2 seconds. I can understand if you have diabeetus and can't have delicious sugar, but I'm not so sure that Splenda is the best option here (not that I can suggest another one since I'm not a scientist).
Also, I don't know if any of you have tasted this shit, but it tastes approximately like rotting candy. It makes food take sickly sweet to the point where you feel "hungover" from, let's say, a cup of yogurt. All I know is, people have been eating sugar for a very long time and all I'm saying is that a fabricated version of this can only be absolutely 100% repulsive and unnatural.
Also, I don't know if any of you have tasted this shit, but it tastes approximately like rotting candy. It makes food take sickly sweet to the point where you feel "hungover" from, let's say, a cup of yogurt. All I know is, people have been eating sugar for a very long time and all I'm saying is that a fabricated version of this can only be absolutely 100% repulsive and unnatural.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Women seeking Men
"Me"If I'm not bald, I don't expect my boyfriend to be bald either. If I have all my teeth, I expect my boyfriend to have all his teeth. Etc.
My toleration levels for certain unacceptable behavior in the opposite sex is approximately 0%. The profile Jasmine has described below is that of a troll. I think the key here is that one must realize that one is not a troll and that one shouldn't expect her date to be a troll either. I think all women, at some point, need to self-evaluate themselves ("allow myself to introduce...myself") and figure out what she brings to the table and what qualities in her are highly sought after and then raise their standards in the opposite sex accordingly. In the past, I've selected potential mates based on the fact that they liked ME, but nowadays, perhaps due to being chronically disappointed by all these losers, I've realized that I should be into THEM and shouldn't have to impress anybody. First of all, it goes without saying, that all men are disgusting and hideous and the fact that we pay them any attention is really a miracle from Yaweh. In order to find the least repulsive man out there, one MUST have some standards besides if he has all his teeth. If a guy is missing his teeth, that's big problem and its unacceptable.
I've drafted a brief list of what I'm looking for:
1. Brown Eyes/Hair Combo Platter
2. Glasses
3. 5"7-5"8 ft tall
4. Listens to NPR
5. Can appreciate my love for Christian iconography
6. Compliments my xxxtreme beauty on a daily basis
7. Likes documentaries
8. Able to calculate tip
9. No sports jerseys allowed
10. No video games allowed
11. Must Love Dogs
12. Must brag about me to his friends
13. Must be able to fix computer and all electronics
14. Tolerates my cooking
15. No man-jewelry of any kind (this includes earrings, chains, and hemp necklaces)
16. No barb wire and/or tribal tattoos of any kind
17. I make the jokes and he makes inferior jokes
18. Smells good at all times
19. Sends flowers to my office
20. Likes spicy foods
21. Likes to play Clue
22. No muscle tone whatsoever
If you fit the criteria in this profile, call me.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The List
My lovely co-blogger and almost friend Aliza and I were recently discussing a topic that I think everyone can relate to: The List. For those of you not familiar (or who claim ignorance), The List is a list of qualities that you require in a partner. For some, especially middle school girls, this lists exists on paper and decorated with 5,987 hearts and an abundance of glitter. For others, it's a constantly changing mental tally. Whatever form The List takes, everyone has one.
My question is, what good is having The List? To me, The List just represents ridiculous ideals and standards no real human can live up to. It's intimidating as hell to wonder how many qualities you have that the other person is looking for. How far do I fall short? What things are on The List that s/he just isn't telling me about? That last question is particularly relevant, as I have a sneaking suspicion that a good number of things on The List are easily checked off, if only your partner knew you liked that kind of crap. Prime example: #282: Bring me flowers randomly. Is this an intrinsic quality that people are born with? No. This is something that can be learned, albeit with perhaps years of training.
All that being said, I advocate for a move toward a more moderate and attainable List. If you keep your standards low, you'll be so much more pleasantly surprised when someone goes above and beyond!
1. Speak passable English, or at least a language I undersand.
2. Be literate, and have read at least 10 books above a sixth-grade reading level in your lifetime.
3. Have at least 60% of your hair.
4. Be nice.
5. Demonstrate an interest in some genre of music besides Country.
6. Bathe and brush teeth on a regular basis.
7. No piercings anywhere but ears.
8. No drug addictions.
9. No personal or family history of abuse, mental illness, or repeated felonies.
10. Absolutely no rednecks.
Now, my list might seem to exclude an unnecessarily large portion of the male population, but I stand behind my choices. No exceptions, especially on #10. I've had great success with this list, and I think many of you out there could benefit from my wisdom. With a list like mine, you too could go on literally over ten dates a year!
My question is, what good is having The List? To me, The List just represents ridiculous ideals and standards no real human can live up to. It's intimidating as hell to wonder how many qualities you have that the other person is looking for. How far do I fall short? What things are on The List that s/he just isn't telling me about? That last question is particularly relevant, as I have a sneaking suspicion that a good number of things on The List are easily checked off, if only your partner knew you liked that kind of crap. Prime example: #282: Bring me flowers randomly. Is this an intrinsic quality that people are born with? No. This is something that can be learned, albeit with perhaps years of training.
All that being said, I advocate for a move toward a more moderate and attainable List. If you keep your standards low, you'll be so much more pleasantly surprised when someone goes above and beyond!
1. Speak passable English, or at least a language I undersand.
2. Be literate, and have read at least 10 books above a sixth-grade reading level in your lifetime.
3. Have at least 60% of your hair.
4. Be nice.
5. Demonstrate an interest in some genre of music besides Country.
6. Bathe and brush teeth on a regular basis.
7. No piercings anywhere but ears.
8. No drug addictions.
9. No personal or family history of abuse, mental illness, or repeated felonies.
10. Absolutely no rednecks.
Now, my list might seem to exclude an unnecessarily large portion of the male population, but I stand behind my choices. No exceptions, especially on #10. I've had great success with this list, and I think many of you out there could benefit from my wisdom. With a list like mine, you too could go on literally over ten dates a year!
Monday, July 21, 2008
Coffee Rules, Tea Drools
10:00 am is a weak moment in the day for me, too--can I make it to lunch without passing out on my keyboard either from exhaustion or hunger? Fortunately, the decision is a simple one: to coffee or not to coffee. Because tea is for wimps.
I don't know if you know this, but tea comes in both caffeinated (pain) and non-caffeinated (no pain, and also no gain) varieties. Both unequivocally suck. Tea is nothing but gross-flavored water. Granted, the same could be said about coffee, but things can be added to make it delicious. My favorite things to add include chocolate, milk, caramel and any number of syrupy flavors to make it taste like ice cream. There is nothing you can add to tea to make it taste good. Sure, people put sugar, honey, and even milk in it, but their efforts are in vain.
Particularly annoying are those who drink a concoction called "sweetea," and yes it is all one word. I have on-the-job experience making sweetea, and I can tell you that it really doesn't matter how much sugar you put in tea (and oh, they test the limits), it's possibly one of the foulest things one could put in one's mouth, and yet people are passionate about this drink. I don't get it. It seems to me like a one-way ticket to diabetes land.
Tea also has this strange reputation for being calming--the specific image that comes to mind is that of an old lady with a lap blanket and a cat, drinking tea by the fireplace. Hipsters also drink tea when they want to seem zen, and cooler than you, which is redundant because it is the definition of the word "hipster."
Coffee, on the other hand, is the opposite of calming. Go-getters drink coffee. People who get stuff done drink coffee, and often are getting things done at the same time as getting coffee. Need to stay up late and finish a project? Drink coffee. Will your work be as good as if you had managed your time properly and worked on it when you weren't delirious from lack of sleep and hyperactive from too much coffee? Hell no. But is that coffee's fault? Nope.
There is a reason for coffee's ubiquity: it's awesome. Coffee is the drink of champions, and tea is the drink of old ladies who need to get to bed by 8pm.
I don't know if you know this, but tea comes in both caffeinated (pain) and non-caffeinated (no pain, and also no gain) varieties. Both unequivocally suck. Tea is nothing but gross-flavored water. Granted, the same could be said about coffee, but things can be added to make it delicious. My favorite things to add include chocolate, milk, caramel and any number of syrupy flavors to make it taste like ice cream. There is nothing you can add to tea to make it taste good. Sure, people put sugar, honey, and even milk in it, but their efforts are in vain.
Particularly annoying are those who drink a concoction called "sweetea," and yes it is all one word. I have on-the-job experience making sweetea, and I can tell you that it really doesn't matter how much sugar you put in tea (and oh, they test the limits), it's possibly one of the foulest things one could put in one's mouth, and yet people are passionate about this drink. I don't get it. It seems to me like a one-way ticket to diabetes land.
Tea also has this strange reputation for being calming--the specific image that comes to mind is that of an old lady with a lap blanket and a cat, drinking tea by the fireplace. Hipsters also drink tea when they want to seem zen, and cooler than you, which is redundant because it is the definition of the word "hipster."
Coffee, on the other hand, is the opposite of calming. Go-getters drink coffee. People who get stuff done drink coffee, and often are getting things done at the same time as getting coffee. Need to stay up late and finish a project? Drink coffee. Will your work be as good as if you had managed your time properly and worked on it when you weren't delirious from lack of sleep and hyperactive from too much coffee? Hell no. But is that coffee's fault? Nope.
There is a reason for coffee's ubiquity: it's awesome. Coffee is the drink of champions, and tea is the drink of old ladies who need to get to bed by 8pm.
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