Boy Dictionary

All right, it's time for another boy-centric installment of Almost Friends. This time, Aliza and I are tackling a boy dictionary. In our many years of experience in dealing with the male of the species, we've encountered quite a few phrases (and outright lies) that really mean something other than what they're saying. A lot of guys will try to convince you that they are simple, always say what they mean, etc, etc. This is simply not true, as they manage to leave us completely befuddled on a regular basis. Without further ado, here's my list of common boy phrases and their translations.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

We should totally hang out: Either means we will never hang out or can be delivered as a crushing "you're just a friend" blow at the end of a bar conversation or date. Beware of the phrase "hang out."

I love Grey's Anatomy/Project Runway: I will tolerate that chick show to get in your pants.

I've never put myself out there like this: I want to get in your pants.

I like to take it slow: I want to get in your pants.

Nice shirt: I want to get in your pants. (You get the idea.)

BOYFRIEND PHRASES

She's just a friend: Usually a lie, but not always. Just usually.

I need some time to think about it: I know what my answer is, but you don't want to hear it so I am going to put it off for as long as possible. Synonym: I don't want to talk about it.

I don't know, Jasmine, I don't know: Shut up, you're talking about this too much and I don't want to anymore.

We're going to talk: I'm going to watch basketball.

I want a night in: I'm going out with the guys.

**Thanks to all my fabulous friends who shared input and brainstorming for the dictionary! If you have alternative translations or other boy phrases, please leave them in the comments. xoxo

The List

My lovely co-blogger and almost friend Aliza and I were recently discussing a topic that I think everyone can relate to: The List. For those of you not familiar (or who claim ignorance), The List is a list of qualities that you require in a partner. For some, especially middle school girls, this lists exists on paper and decorated with 5,987 hearts and an abundance of glitter. For others, it's a constantly changing mental tally. Whatever form The List takes, everyone has one.

My question is, what good is having The List? To me, The List just represents ridiculous ideals and standards no real human can live up to. It's intimidating as hell to wonder how many qualities you have that the other person is looking for. How far do I fall short? What things are on The List that s/he just isn't telling me about? That last question is particularly relevant, as I have a sneaking suspicion that a good number of things on The List are easily checked off, if only your partner knew you liked that kind of crap. Prime example: #282: Bring me flowers randomly. Is this an intrinsic quality that people are born with? No. This is something that can be learned, albeit with perhaps years of training.

All that being said, I advocate for a move toward a more moderate and attainable List. If you keep your standards low, you'll be so much more pleasantly surprised when someone goes above and beyond!

1. Speak passable English, or at least a language I undersand.
2. Be literate, and have read at least 10 books above a sixth-grade reading level in your lifetime.
3. Have at least 60% of your hair.
4. Be nice.
5. Demonstrate an interest in some genre of music besides Country.
6. Bathe and brush teeth on a regular basis.
7. No piercings anywhere but ears.
8. No drug addictions.
9. No personal or family history of abuse, mental illness, or repeated felonies.
10. Absolutely no rednecks.

Now, my list might seem to exclude an unnecessarily large portion of the male population, but I stand behind my choices. No exceptions, especially on #10. I've had great success with this list, and I think many of you out there could benefit from my wisdom. With a list like mine, you too could go on literally over ten dates a year!

O Solo Mia

I take offense to your post, my friend! Your basic assumption that the only thing to do when single is going to bars and getting wasted in search of the next boyfriend is completely off base. Trust me, I too am completely grossed out by guys in bars and they are probably equally grossed out by the girls that frequent their favorite places. Yes, I know that there are some truly heartwarming stories about so and so's parents meeting in a bar and being married for 5,000 years. Touching. But the reality of the situation is, most people (both single and not) go to bars to get laid. One quick word in defense of bars: it is possible to go out and not participate in the meat market! I definitely have a lot more fun with a group of friends and when I'm unconcerned about getting attention from the man-whores that surround me.

Which brings me to my next point: the whole glory of being single is about being unconcerned about what anyone else thinks! As soon as you let the search for the next boyfriend go, things get a lot more relaxed. You start doing things just because they make you happy, not because someone else might think they're cool. You get in touch with what you really want. All of which not only makes you a better person, but a more attractive girlfriend in the future. So what if the pickings are slim right now? If you make having a boyfriend a lower priority, then it doesn't really matter--your life is full and happy without one.

What about all the crappy parts of being tied down? The monotony of boning the same person over and over, hearing their same jokes/stories for the 50th time (at least when you're telling different people, it's always new!), the inevitable rut you get into after a little while...boring! And what's not boring is annoying: putting the toilet seat down, those pointless & irritating fights about the right way to do ___, having to compromise or agree about what to do and where to go, etc etc ad nauseum. I say, enjoy your freedom from this crap--if marriage is your end goal, you have your whole freakin' life to put up with BS from men. At this point, be selfish! Being single=doing whatever you want. Which is awesome.

He's Just Not That Into You Is a Joke

I am freaking sick of He's Just Not That Into You. This book has been around for a few years now and has spawned a pocket guide, "your daily wake-up call," and now a movie?! The thing most people don't realize is that Greg Behrendt, the author, is a stand-up comedian. The fact that people are latching onto this book and spouting its ideas like gospel is, well, laughable.


The basic premise of this book seems to be that women are completely blind and hopeless at managing relationships--they get slighted at every turn by guys who won't commit or are using them for sex. Oh, Greg Behrendt, how did we ever get along without you and your oversimplified generalizations?

Everyone gets slighted at some point in their life and needs to step back and realize that the relationship just isn't what they thought/hoped it could be. This goes for guys and girls. It's part of life and growing up to figure out what you will and won't put up with, and this book skews women's expectations of how a man should act. If he likes you, he'll be completely devoted to you. If he was really into you, he'd call immediately. Whatever--it totally discounts any and all other explanations of behavior, like crappy advice from friends ("Dude. Obey the 3 day rule--don't want to seem too eager").

Another thing about this book that I wholeheartedly object to is the end goal: marriage. Even good ol' Greggy is praised as having been single for a long time (so he knows all the tricks) but now is happily married. Ah, happily ever after. What every woman (and apparently man, eventually) wants. I think we all need to relax a little and deal with guys and situations on an individual basis. Ladies, put this book where it belongs: in the recycle bin.