Celine Dion is the Queen of Cheesy

Hi. I'd like to introduce you to Celine Dion, undoubtedly the cheesiest person alive. Not only did this woman get her start by singing for a soundtrack for a cheesy movie, but that "heart will go on" crap has never left her. At least Mariah Carey acknowledges sex in her lyrics (case in point: Touch My Body. Can't get more explicit than that). Celine Dion has probably never had sex in her life. It's always been true love, a joining of two souls that inevitably produced her precious little kid. Celine's version of love and the world is so cheesy, so whitewashed, it makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

She's French Canadian. There's really not much more to say on this point. I'm amazed anyone can take her seriously.

She had an act in VEGAS! Come on. Doesn't that come with a crown of cheese? You're not allowed to sing your music or perform your act in Las Vegas until you've reached a certain level of cheesiness (and commercial viability).

And finally: she has an accent in her name. Like a squirt of Cheez Whiz on top. I rest my case.

Mariah Carey May Be the Cheesiest Person Alive

Mariah Carey may be the cheesiest person alive. I've been seeing posters for her new album E=MC2 all over the city. The album is ridiculous on 2 levels: 1) the title refers to her initials (=brilliant) 2) the title suggests that the album should be considered on the same level of genius that is Einstein's Theory of Relativity. All that aside, it's always the same shit. Like all her albums before, each and every song much showcase her acclaimed canary-like vocal range and her ability to fluctuate between octaves. Her songs must always include lyrics about or metaphors to butterflies, hearts, flowers, waterfalls, and honey. All her videos must include a fan blowing on her face, daisy-dukes, bubble baths, silk pajamas, and low-cut halter tops for her breast implants. In classic Mariah fashion, she named her fragrance "M" (so there's no confusion) and it's obviously packaged in the shape of a butterfly. We've all seen her episode of CRIBS and we all now know that she has a "Moroccan Room" in her NYC penthouse apartment. This is confusing because she is not from Morocco. She also changes outfits 10 times during the entire episode. Cheese factor: 10. These are the facts and they are undisputed.